Morning, boys. Holly (of Ladies, Snarkastic....yes, and this), The Great Barstoolio, and Ladies... Photoshopper nonpareil J-Money have the run of the sandbox this weekend. Between the three of us, we carry loyalties to Tennessee, Miami, West Fuckin' Virginia, Wake Forest, South Florida, Texas, and USC. At time of publication, two of us are already drunk and one's still in her underwear. Should be a hell of a hoedown.
10:30 AM Holly: Oh, Loo'vl. Loo'vl, Loo'vl, Loo'vl. I'm not here to suggest you had a shred of a season left after losing to Syracuse (SYRACUSE!), but you know what's even sadder than losing to Utah at home? The fact that you found the moxie to mount an honest, valid attempt at a comeback and STILL couldn't close the deal.
10:49 AM Holly: The only mildly interesting sign I can make out on GameDay so far starts "Dear KU" and contains the word "guacamole", but I can't make out the rest. Anyone?
10:53 AM Holly: Brady Quinn endorsement alert! Something called "Gillette Game Face", promising "face time" with BQ in New York for winners of some contest (gillettegameface.com! Go!). Face time....holy hell, do we get to SHAVE him? He always struck me as a waxer.
11:02 AM Barstoolio: The only thing that could make Kansas State's purple uniforms even more awesome: if Prince were their mascot and he was kept on a leash on the sideline.
11:03 AM Holly: Liiiittle Jordy Nelson! Baby, he's much too fast. For Texas. *quiet weeping*
11:05 AM Holly: According to Jebus, the sign apparently reads "Dear KU, Please enjoy 45 guacamole pop shots courtesy of KSU. Love, Wade Boggs." Well, THAT explains EVERYTHING.
11:21 AM Holly: The upcoming segment on Notre Dame is titled, "Is Today The Day?", but is accompanied by clips of Jimmy Clausen throwing INTs and being chased by burly defenders, so I'm going with "No."
11:27 AM Holly: Kirk would like you to know that "UCLA is for REAL" and that they have the athletic ability to make it to the bowl season with one loss. I'm a couple days behind in my RSS reader...they're still coached by Karl Dorrell, right?
11:30 AM Barstoolio: I would like Kirk to know his eyebrows look like carpet remnants.
11:42 AM Holly: Huh. If the Gators "haven't forgotten what they learned last season" in Jordan-Hare, what the hell were they doing again last week?
11:47 AM Holly: I'm a little disappointed in the GameDay crowd turnout and disposition, but I'm trusting that the first-string hooligans are still passed out in alleys and will be ready to roll by sunset.
11:52 AM Barstoolio: I've abandoned GameDay for The ACC Show. Is this what it feels like to wake up 45 and single?
11:53 AM Holly: Erin Andrews just....painted some guy's nose orange in the student section. Too many jokes. Circuit overload.
11:55 AM Holly: Five minutes from West Fuckin' Virginia kickoff... J-Money's at the Wake Forest game, but she left us a present:
12:00 PM Holly: Corso picks the Tigers. Well, Florida, you've got that going for you.
12:02 PM Holly: I just got off the phone with Orson, who would like to let y'all know that as of 11:00 AM Central time, he has been "called a faggot twice and told to fuck off in some fashion five times" on the LSU campus. Oh, bright college days.
12:06 PM Barstoolio: Miami has lost 5 of its last six road games. If you think I haven't just done an exorcism dance to 2 Live Crew, you don't know me at all.
12:14 PM Barstoolio: Touchdown, UNC. Is this an indictment of my dancing?
12:17 PM Holly: [NAME REDACTED]'s shirt has these orange flashes on the sleeves that make it look like he's wearing floaties. My kingdom for a screencap, it's that adorable.
12:22 PM Holly: Rashard Mendenhall just strolled 32 yards into Wisconsin's endzone untouched. Everyone's seen the Badgers eke out wins by the barest of margins all season, but that total lapse of defense so early in them.
12:34 PM Holly: ....of course, it will match their offensive woes nicely, as they proceed to their first missed field goal of the season. C'mon, Bieilelelma.
12:49 PM Barstoolio: The Hurricanes are UNC's bitches at the end of the first quarter, down 13-0 and flailing about in a sea of powder blue. They have never beaten the Tar Heels in Chapel Hill. Commence the wailing and the gnashing of grills.
12:55 PM Holly: Great moment just now in Champaign: Arrelious Benn, freezing for a split second in a circle of about five Badgers, all of whom look honestly scared to get near him before he dives forward for an extra yard or so.
1:03 PM Barstoolio: I ... this game is taking away my joviality, but I'm a soldier.
1:03 PM Holly: ...of fortune.
1:07 PM Barstoolio: 20-0. This must be the Curse of The Rock.
1:07 PM Holly: I am totally comfortable blaming Miami's play on The Scorpion King (the movie, not the actual Scorpion King, who totally exists and would show these Tar Heels what the fuck is what).
1:12 PM Holly: While I'm pulling for Wisconsin in this match, I'm really enjoying the Illini's success because it enables me to type "Rashard Mendenhall" over and over again. Oh, and he just hit the endzone again. 17-0, Illinois.
1:24 PM Barstoolio: Interception UNC.
1:27 PM Holly: I just caught the replay of that. There's a shot of a Miami defender missing a tackle and falling on his facemask in such exaggerated fashion that I can't believe it's not a cartoon.
1:30 PM Barstoolio: You mock my pain! (Football is pain, highness.)
1:35 PM Holly: Swann being helped off the field. Chin up, Wisconsin, it's not like he was the only one out there making pl...oh.
1:41 Barstoolio: Kyle Wright manages to squeeze in another INT before the half, enabling Miami to stay down by 27 points. Looks like we might see Kirby Freeman. I've begun cutting.
1:44 PM Holly: Halftime scores of interest ("interest" = "games I can't see with shady Los Angeles cable"): Kansas-KState tied at 14...Maryland 21 GTech 3....Auburn 21 Vandy 0.
1:51 PM Holly: DROP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND TURN TO ESPN THEY ARE RE-AIRING THE LOU HOLTZ PEP TALK WHERE HE DOES MAGIC TRICKS GO GO GO .
2:10 PM Holly: Touchdown Badgers! Nice of you to show up. Sleep well?
2:16 PM Holly: You know, I was disappointed to see that Notre Dame was scheduled for a night game. That early-morning cup of perfect Domer misery has made for a merry start to every Saturday this season...but a(nother!) Michigan choke job would be just as delicious. The Wolverines are currently clinging to a 23-14 lead over...Eastern Michigan.
2:25 PM Barstoolio: Sam Shields catches Miami's second TD of the half in as many possessions (I think - I ran out at the half for more booze and a salad) as Miami finally realizes there's a game going on. Never doubt the U, son - or the hellfire halftime stare of Randy Shannon.
2:34 PM Barstoolio: DARNELL JENKINS 97 YARDS THROW UP YOUR U!
2:34 PM Holly: That doesn't mean "uterus", right?
2:34 PM Barstoolio: I did that in the first half.
2:46 PM Barstoolio: So, I can't watch USF (I'm IN. FLORIDA.), but I have the option of UW-Eau Claire vs UW-Whitewater. *blank look*
2:56 PM Holly: Northwestern and Michigan State are tied 27-27 in the 4th. The play-by-play announcer for one of these teams once sent me pictures of his calves in an effort to win my affections. I am absolutely not making this up.
3:15 PM Holly: Rapidly losing interest in Wisconsin's demise by way of creeping dread re: Tennessee-Georgia. I fear the next post will not be half as coherent, spilling over with such entries as "CATCH THE GODDAMN BALL!!!!!111", and for this I ask your forgiveness in advance.
3:19 PM Barstoolio: Meanwhile, in downtown Miami, the Orange Bowl begins to tear herself down early in shame.
3:21 Holly: Update from Baton Rouge: LSUJoshua has managed to fry two turkeys, killing neither himself nor any bystanders. Orson has racked up Three "FAGGOT!"s, Five "FUCK YEEEEW"s, and one "HEEEY GILLIGAN! THASSA TERRIBLE HAT, MAN!". And that'll about do it for this round. Afternoon thread up shortly; we'll see you there.