In case you haven't noticed, and you may not have, what with all the state representatives showing nudie pics to high schoolers at assemblies and whatnot, there's been football on every night of the week except Monday. But even with the appearance of virtual trim in your local high school, you are compelled to pay attention to tonight's matchup between the Kentucky Wildcats and South Carolina Gamecocks.
They receive the Six Factor Factor Six Treatment below. The results of this are scientific and 100 percent accurate.
Factor One: Hair.
Kentucky: Represented here
South Carolina: Represented here by the charismatic bachelor, o-lineman Heath Batchelor, who being allergic to everything helmets are made of copes by growing thick layers of hair wherever it touches him.
Iss mah helmet. You like?
Kentucky: Represented with the Duane Allman 'stache of offensive tackle Zach Hennis.
Born a Ramblin' Man.
Factor Two: Nickname, per Wikipedia.
Kentucky. Wikipedia says: "The Wildcat is extremely timid. It avoids coming too close to human settlements. It lives solitarily and holds a territory of about 3 km²."
South Carolina. Wikipedia says: "A gamecock is a strong, colorful, and territorial type of rooster, or fowl, bred for cockfighting."
Advantage: South Carolina. If wikipedia says it, it has to be true, and the poor wildcat's entry makes it seem like little more than an overgrown housecat left to fend for itself. The Gamecock, on the other hand, sounds like a feathery, taloned Mirko Filipovic.
Factor Three: Coach is drinking...
Kentucky: If Rich Brooks doesn't drink scotch, Paul Erdos didn't pop benzedrine like candy and Hunter S. Thompson didn't snort cocaine from a salt shaker. A man who uses the word bullshit with such fluency drinks scotch. It's a law of the universe.
South Carolina: Steve Spurrier prefers things that can be consumed while playing golf and afterward. For a man of his age with this guiding principle in life, there is one beverage and one beverage alone: Bud Light. It's a generational requirement for Spurrier, like reading John Grisham novels and liking Jimmy Buffett.
Factor Four: Famous Alumni
Kentucky: Jared Lorenzen, the first 300 pound quarterback in the SEC, a.k.a. "The Pillsbury Throwboy," "the Round Mound of Touchdown," and "HOLY SHIT THAT IS THE FATTEST FUCKING QUARTERBACK I'VE EVER SEEN (COUNTRY LAUGH!)!!!"
Where calories go to retire: Jared Lorenzen.
South Carolina: Doesn't matter. What? Hootie? Leeza Gibbons? We repeat: Jared Lorenzen, motherfuckers. You can't win when you're facing the Abominable Throwman.
Factor Five: Three Roster Names of Esteem.
South Carolina: Foxy Foxworth, Captain Munnerlyn, Gurminder Thind.
Kentucky: Zipp Duncan, DeMoreo Ford, and Dicky Lyons.
Advantage: South Carolina. Not even close. The Gamecocks field names so lurid and obviously fake we wouldn't write them in the ledger of a brothel without giggling out loud.
Factor Six: EBay
South Carolina: This kickass handbag that a man might even conceivably call a European carry-all with dignity. Almost.
Kentucky: A football autographed by Guy Morriss. Their coach. Who left the program. For Baylor. Fucking. Baylor.
Advantage: South Carolina.
Factor Six Six Factor Power Verdict of Immense Authority: It's a tie! Meaning we'll just go ahead and guess that Kentucky wins for one reason and one reason alone: Andre Woodson, the best quarterback in the SEC and former Tennessee OC and current Kentucky qb coach Randy Sanders' vengeance upon the world.