Florida starting safety Tony Joiner was arrested for attempting to steal his girlfriend's car back from Watson's Towing company at 4:59 a.m. this morning. We have exclusive quotes from the police report.
Witness One: Hey, dude! DUDE! Is that your car?
Joiner: No, man. It's my girl's. Got towed while I was hittin' it at the pad.
Witness Two: Hey, Tony Joiner! Can I have a kiss, man?
Joiner: Naw, man. All loved out right now. Been hittin' it somethin' fierce.
Witness One: Man, you're stealing a car for her?
Joiner: Stealin' it back, yeah. She's worth it. Like making love to some kinda, you know, sexy drill sergeant racehorse womanbeast or something. Like Kiana Tom from back in the day with a snowmobile engine in her thang.
Witness Two: From Bodyshaping? Aw, man. She was unreal.
Joiner: She's like that. It's like the Daytona 500 when we get down. I gotta take pit stops and everything. Four tires. Lube. Chassis adjustments. Thanking sponsors and shit when I'm done.
Witness One: Sounds like a full-time job.
Joiner: It is. You gotta girl like that?
Witness Two: I do! She works at a Starbucks. Comes home, can't sleep 'til two. Has to work it off with me.
Witness One: I'm his roommate. I call her "Jitterbuns." She's sounds like an espresso machine going off. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Joiner: (Laughs.) That's tight. (Blue and red lights turn the corner.) Hey, that's the police. I think I better drive this car back in, 'cause my ass is going to jail.
Witness two: That sucks. You know, we're gonna have to tell 'em about this. They see us.
Joiner: I know. Just tell 'em I'm all rutted out and not thinking straight. Why else would a college kid be stealing a girl's car back from Watson's Towing at 5 in the morning, man?
Witness One: Is pussy-induced fatigue a viable criminal defense?
Joiner: 'Bout to find out. I ain't sharing evidence, though!
Witnesses One and Two: Bye, Tony!