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BODY COUNT, BODY COUNT

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This week's body count, going into week five. Rub some tussin in it, you'll be fine.

The doctor thinks you should stop eating so much pickled herring in lye, frankly.

Important cock: out. Jasper Brinkley, ferocious linebacker for the South Carolina Gamecocks, sprained his right knee versus LSU and will need season-killing surgery to repair a torn ligament. Replacement value: high. Marvin Sapp, the second-leading tackler on the team last year.

Olson, Cowan, Olson. Ben Olson re-enters the starting position for the UCLA Bruins after starter Patrick Cowan suffered a partially torn MCL in his right knee versus Washington. Replacement value: eh, a push, really, given that Olson was the starter prior to being knocked silly in the Utah game and suffering from headaches and nausea afterwards. Insert obvious comment re: being a Bruin fan forced to play "Karl Dorrell's Wheel of Unpredictable Pain/Pleasure."

Suit up Tacopants! Chad Henne, hurt with a mysterious lower leg injury during the Oregon game, is close to coming back to the lineup for Michigan. How close? Who knows? Lloyd Carr protects injury information like they're Chinese missile blueprints. Five sources were killed or are rotting in a Xinjiang gulag as we speak due to the acquiring of this information.

Meme cont'd: Suit up Gamblepants! Matt Flynn should get a surplus of rest this week with LSU playing Tulane, since his ankle is still bothering him, one of the factors leading to LSU's run-heavy gameplan versus South Carolina. Replacement value: Ryan Perriloux, who will give you 3-2 odds on Flynn making it back in time for the Florida game. He's got, you know, an inside source and all, man.

And one more mystery: The TCU Horned Frogs' gifted defensive end Tommy Blake will miss the rest of the year on "a medical leave of absence." Described preseason by Mack Brown as "as good as Julius Peppers," Blake's absence is a huge and (yes) odd one for the team: he left the team for personal reasons in August, came back, missed more playing time to medical issues, and has finally hung it up for 2007. Hmm.

And finally: Brandon Cox may miss his start against Florida due to heavy menstrual bleeding.* The only other injury on Auburn's side will be the lingering injury to Quentin Groves, whose own massive balls hurt his back and general mobility six days of the week, but seem not to affect him on Saturdays.

*Egad, has Brandon Cox been terrible--we hear the worst of it from Auburn alum Cuddles, who's exhausted his septic tank of profanities trying to accurately describe how bad he's been. But that's against every other team but Florida, where he'll probably pull himself together and throw for 400 yards and five tds on us after we write that. That's just the kind of jankety shit that always happens in Auburn/Florida games. Unlike Kyle, we don't hate Auburn. But damnation on a shitstick do we hate playing them.