It's Hate week 3.0 on EDSBS, meaning that we play Tennessee on Saturday, and can't sleep for the bloodrage we're working up prior to the game. Join us and make INGSOC triumphant.
We give you chapter two of the Chairman's manual with Reasons 1-25 Florida Rules and Tennessee Sucks Forever. Because they do, indeed, suck forever, sometimes as a football team, sometimes as a state, but most pleasingly to the Florida fan, when they suck together all at the same time in one sorrowful, audible slurp.
1. Tennessee is shaped like a parallelogram. Florida, however, is "America's Wang." And where would America be without its wang?
2. Florida great Steve Spurrier is a Volunteer State exile (Johnson City), meaning that the greatest coach ever born in Tennessee ran screaming from it the first chance he got, and never came back. There's no humor there. It just really sucks for you, Vol fan, and makes us warm and happy inside.
3. Even after thirty years of government interdiction, Florida's still putting the yayo on your glass coffee tables in piles, America. You're welcome (sniff).
4. We gave you Creed in order to make you feel good about your own life in a fun way, as in "I'm not Scott Stapp, and that's great, really." Nashville gives you music to help you justify your sad, tobacco-stained penniless existence, prole...um, we mean ain't it great scraping by on 22K with three kids in a place with terrible public schools! WOOOO!!! VOTE PAPPY FOR GUVNAH!!!
5. Our coach has won a championship in the 21st century.
6. Our fans are loud, rude, uncouth, classless, urine-tossing, sunburned, drunk, foulmouthed smartasses from the dregs of America's sketchiest state. Tennessee's root for Tennessee.
Advantage: Florida.
7. Miami Vice. Empty Nest. Golden Girls. Nip/Tuck. Florida's rolling in television shows. Tennessee couldn't even get fucking Evening Shade over for a few roadtrip episodes.
8. This is the first thing you see after the Florida state line sign driving south on I-75.
9. Dangerous wildlife in Florida includes alligators, several types of poisonous snake, sharks, and jellyfish. Dangerous wildlife in Tennessee consists of Pac-Man Jones, who would totally lose to any of these except the jellyfish, who Pac-Man could probably have a henchman paralyze with a stray gunshot or two.
10. Tennessee state flower: the Iris. Oh, that's so quaint. Florida state flower: the gasoline fire ball from something blowing up in Miami due to civil unrest. Oh, that's so...routine, actually.
11. Florida's high murder rate explained? We're outgoing! And armed to the teeth. And really, really hot and irritated at the moment. What? WHAT?
12. Bilingual culture ensures that Floridians speak two languages very poorly, rather than one as in Tennesseans' case.
13. Tennesseans born knowing how to electric slide and boot-scoot; Floridians born knowing how to salsa, meringue, and file down the firing pin of an AR-15 so that that thing will blow doors on full-auto, motherfucker.
14. Our governor's gay. There are no gay people in Tennessee, so Florida's instantly more stylish by far on points automatically.
15. Florida Senator Bill Nelson is a former astronaut. Tennessee Senator Bill Frist adopted cats from the Humane Society and dissected them for "practice" during med school. Meow.
16. The weather sucks for five months straight in Tennessee during this bizarre thing called "winter." From November to March it's like living underneath Bea Arthur's pubic hair: cold, gray, barren, and soggy.
Yes. A very accurate description you have there.
17. Danny Wuerffel never lost a game to Peyton Manning in college. Peyton Manning is the best quarterback of his generation. This should indicate that if Manning had played for Spurrier, he would have had nine Super Bowls by now, thrown for 237,000 yards, and impregnated a line of supermodels that would make Tom Brady look like a mediocre polygamist in comparison.
18. Our mascot has the unique quality of being something that eats you and that you can eat, in theory.
19. Speaking of...Smokey loses in the Mascot War. Unless it's cold, and then we'd get torpid, and even then Smokey would likely break his teeth on Albert's hide. And who wants to live when it's below sixty degrees anyway.
20. Haven't lost to Vanderbilt recently, have we?
21. No one does cancer like we do. Especially skin cancer. And cockroaches. In fact, the mayor of Apopka, Florida was at one time a huge, talking tumor who rode a tremendous Palmetto bug around on his daily rounds. Charismatic. Great with reforming local zoning laws. Helluva golfer, he was.
22. Corporate home of Outback Steakhouse, who brought you 36 percent of Phil Fulmer's body mass courtesy of the chain's trademark appetizer, the Bloomin' Onion.
23. Tennessee brought you writers such as James Agee, who wrote depressing books about poor people. Florida has Carl Hiaasen, who writes about middle-aged white guy journalists getting ass way hotter than they should reasonably get and about people getting fucked to death by dolphins. (The best part is that this actually happened.) Boooo poor people! Yayyyy dolphin sodomy! Advantage: Florida.
24. Lost last year's bowl game to a team coached by a zombie.
25. Beat Dennis Franchione in a bowl game prior to that, which may or may not count as a win, really.
26. In case of the Rapture, Tennesseans' cars will be unmanned. Florida fans will totally steal them all and take them to this guy we know out in Bartow who'll give us mad cash for them. Especially Lexuses, man.
More to come! Viva hate!