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BODY COUNT'S IN THE HOUSE

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The list of players openly admitting to being injured has swelled in the leadup to week three.

Perhaps you need to see Dr. Spaceman--pronounced "spa-CHE-mun."

Andre "Bubba" Caldwell, Florida WR. A sprained MCL keeping him most definitely from the Tennessee game and possibly from a visit to Ole Miss. Hits Florida at receiver, a deep bit of the roster. Caldwell does have the best proven hands on the team, though, and is nicknamed "Bubba," which instantly makes a team better.

Florida fan, you should be... wondering if the unsettling feeling in your stomach is unease due to Caldwell's absence, or just a bad ham sandwich doing a doubletime forced march through your stomach.

Chad Henne, Michigan QB. Out with "a lower leg injury," which for a Lloyd Carr team is practically a soul-baring divulging of information about players. Henne had been mediocre at best in the first two games of the season. He was replaced in the Oregon game by freshman Ryan Mallett, who earned effusive praise from lineman Jake Long: "It's kind of like he's a redshirt freshman."

Michigan fans should......begin drinking heavily. You were going to do that anyway, but we feel inclined to say it anyway.

Arkansas WR Marcus Monk. It's not like Arkansas really wants to pass anyway, but when they do, it goes here. Monk, a 6'6" receiver who's a nightmare on fly patterns, had his knee scoped for the second time in August and won't start against Alabama.

Arkansas fans should......be prepared to see eight in the box all day with little hope of being able to counter it by lobbing fly balls to Monk. Not that you'll see many passes, anyway. But now you won't see many down the field with active, possible prayers attached to them.

Gus Mustakas, Pitt DL. Pitt's top defensive lineman blows his ACL. Chas notes not only how much this sucks, but sucks in a teamwide pattern of widespread injuries.

Pitt fans should......not think about the fact that Mark Dantonio of Michigan State will throw Jehuu Caulcrick right up the middle against them next week. Nah, don't think about that all. Hey, have you watched Meerkat Manor? Go do that instead.

Hugh Charles, RB, Colorado....returns! We end on high note because we're reaffirming like that. Charles is coming back from a strained hamstring, and should be ready for one of the season's oddest matchups, Florida State v. Colorado in Boulder. Have we told you how good that tie looks on you? We should.

Colorado fans should......be quite happy: the offense struggled against ASU and ended up with a meager 39 yards on the ground. Also, FSU can't possible acclimatize in time, meaning you'll have a woozy Drew Weatherford on your hands. Please mop up the drool underneath defensive coordinator Ron Collins' mouth before you leave.