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JOE PATERNO'S NEVER HEARD OF YOU

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We have a friend who once, in all seriousness, said to us: "What, you're not into tentacle porn?" This seems like a joke. It wasn't. At moments like these, you feel a subway car loaded with not one, but hundreds of things you never knew about someone all rushing past you at once.

Pete Thamel's article on Joe Paterno is such a moment, reader. JoePa's not into tentacle porn, and we'd bet our right leg on it. In fact, he's just getting around to M*A*S*H, so anime/hentai pr0n would be well past any potential learning curve we can imagine.

Who is this witty young hipster rapscallion, Sue?

"We discovered ‘M*A*S*H,’ " Sue Paterno said, laughing. "I had heard about it, but I didn’t know what it was about."

Sue Paterno has plans, though, for what happens when they get through the piles of Alan Alda smirks on tape. She's heard of this...other...show...

"They don’t show ‘M*A*S*H’ anymore," Sue Paterno said. "But we haven’t seen ‘Cheers’ yet. Maybe we’ll find ‘Cheers’ soon."

WHOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHH...there's that subway car we were talking about. Don't look inside. It's scarier than you think. Not like Jacob's Ladder freaky, but more like a subway car full of men wearing spats, ties, and checking out dames while urchins shine their shoes and beg for nickels.

Addendum: Our Samoan lawyer adds the omitted hypothetical absurd quote: "We just turned on the electro-spectrometer and there was a tiny man, speaking to us!"