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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 8/21/07

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That's thooper, Urb. Lou Holth visited Florida practice on Monday and thaid the team was looking "sthtupendous!" Actually, he just said they looked merely "good," which involves no speech defect mocking, and therefore was substituted for something more humorous.

Also, Urban Meyer would like to confirm opponents' suspicions and just say that Tim Tebow cannot throw a football.

West Fuckin' Virginia: SHOTS FOR EVERYONE!!! WVU, some voters' number two in preseason polls, earns an outright number one in the newest set of party school rankings.

New shot in honor of the award: the Steve Slaton. Two shots whiskey fired at light speed down your throat from a super soaker. Where's the option, you say? You have the option of leaving it in your stomach, or depositing the whole thing on your shoes. ZOOM!

Maui Wowie Owwie for June Jones, who has a former player alleging that Hawaii manipulated the results of drug tests. We'd manipulate the results of drug tests, too, if we lived in Hawaii. Mostly by turning them positive by smoking weed and sitting on the beach all day, of course.

The best passages from Sample's MySpace blog, designed largely to promote his new book Once A Warrior, aren't about drugs. They're about freaks and hoes, specifically the kind who like to fuck football players.

"Freaks are out there, don't get it twisted. I had one girl who wanted me to bang her out in my uniform. Like some role-play type shit. So it was what it was. After practice I took my gear home, put it on and gave her her fantasy. Then when she was done, she wanted to switch, so she put on my helmet and we did it like that. That was a little weird for me but no reason to sweat the small stuff. Just as long as she didn't want me to pretend to be like Leonard Peters or Colt, I wasn't caring!"

This time you wear the helmet, baby.

Sam Keller, offical starter for the Nebraska Cornhuskers at qb for 2007. Thus ends a drama on par with The Perfect Storm and Werner Herzog's Grizzly Man for final-act tension. (Though we prefer Herzog's Watch as I Goad a Drunk Klaus Kinski Into Diving into a Tank Full of Angry Cobras for our entertainment dollar.)

UCLA's backup qb Patrick Cowan pulled a hamstring in practice yesterday, pushing a walk-on into the backup role at qb for the Bruins. When asked to assess the strengths of McCleod Bethel-Thompson, Karl Dorrell thumbed through his Manual of Ineffective, Alarming Communications Techniques and sent Bruins' fans rushing to their desk drawers for loaded pistols.

Asked what Bethel-Thompson's strengths were, Coach Karl Dorrell quickly replied, "We'll figure that one out."

Karl Dorrell: the Dr. Fishman of the coaching world. "It just looks like he’s dead. He’s got like blue paint on him or something. But he’s going to be fine." We've tried to get out of the internet "this thing as a cast member of popular show/type of snack food" business, but Joe Cribbs' Car Wash does SEC as Arrested Development well enough to show there's still juice in the genre.

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