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LAMARCUS COKER SUSPENDED FROM VOLS. NOT AS FUNNY AS IT COULD BE

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Lamarcus Coker, Tennessee Vols starting tailback and alleged savior of the Tennessee run game, will only be running stadium stairs for the immediate future as he has been suspended indefinitely by Phil Fulmer for violating the team substance abuse policy.

Yes, go ahead and play this during the rest of the piece. We're Florida fans. We know from pot-smoking athletes of astonishing ability. Plus the protagonist is named Smokey, a name Tennessee fans feel great affection for already.

Sadly, as indicated by the Rick James soundtrack above, Coker allegedly did not live up to his name by being caught with his snoot in a furrow of fine Peruvian pep powder, but rather by reportedly being caught generic weed, which at Florida would earn him a tidy suspension for the Cal game at best. Coker's not helped by being a multiple offender at this point (it's his second drug-related offense,) or by his being the test case for Tennessee's new drug policy. The policy gives athletes extra "strike" counts, increasing from three to four, but makes those reinstatements a more arduous process, including mandatory counseling sessions and the like.

So Coker's likely not shot the Vols' entire season in the foot with the finest of Cletus's turkey-killin' blunderbusses...yet. He is suspended indefinitely, a punishment which Urban Meyer called "harsh." That suspension could easily be lifted in time for substantial playing time, we think, given the rules in place. The really humorous part: Fulmer initially announced Coker's absence as the result of a "medical condition," which plan to break in as soon as possible in our day job.

Boss: So you're not coming to work.
OS: No, it's a medical thing.
Boss: What kind of medical thing?
OS: The kind that makes Widespread Panic sound reaaaaaaaaaaal good right now, actually. (COUGH)

In the meantime, like Smokey, Coker ain't got shit else to do. We suggest he beat up neighborhood ruffian Deebo with a brick to boost his status and help redeem himself in the eyes of the community. And by "Deebo," we mean "Phil Fulmer." Trust us--we have no ulterior motives whatsoever.