We occasionally like to bring a feminine touch to the site, and not just by wearing the customary orange and blue panties and garter belt we blog in day in and day out. (Your breakfast just wound up on the keyboard. Again: we didn't ask for these powers!)
The ladies from the appropriately named Ladies... took our challenge of stating their team of allegiance, creating a custom cocktail for each one of their teams, and then stating how many of each would get them a.) friendly, b.) fightin', and c.) fuckin'.
We give our own examples to lead off.
The Runnin' Rhino, Florida. Take eight parts pure Vodka. Whoa, doctor, that's some liquor. Temper with lime juice, a splash of tonic, and a whole bottle of Visine. Whoa, doctor, that's something you'll need a doctor for, since like the UF offense, you'll be punching out sternums all day like Tony Jaa scoring points; and yet, like the potentially porous UF pass defense, you'll be shitting away said advantage like a sick mink thanks to the visine.
Serve in coconut with loaded AK-47 as stirrer. An intoxicating and deadly brew, potentially! Or you can try...
The Morellitini, Penn State. Mix classic martini (2.5 oz gin/vodka, 0.5 oz vermouth) in shake with ice. Once the entire mixture has reached icy Pennsylvania winter temperatures, pour in martini glass and garnish with wedge of human brain. Immediately throw entire mixture over shoulder, onto shirt, over head, directly at someone else...just make sure that it goes nowhere near the intended target half the time you throw it.
Orson cruising ratings on all:
Friendly drunk: two drinks.
Drunk: four drinks.
Fightin' drunk: 25 drinks. That's an exact number.
"Compliant": 0 drinks. (Only in hypothetical arena of sexual possibility, honey! But yes, we're male, and therefore a complete slut, alcohol or no. One very married slut who looks like Dwight Schrute, which helps with the whole "remaining married" thing.)
And now...the Ladies present their cocktails for 2007.
The Starter Wife's "Matt Leinart’s Who Needs A Trojan When You Can Ride It Bareback"
Wet the rim of a martini glass with tears from 2006 UCLA loss, and dip in an a 50/50 mix of cocaine and AP Pollster mind-numbing pixie dust.
Mix in cocktail shaker with ice –
3 oz Stoli Elit
2 oz Goldschlager
2 drops red food dye, or 3 drops of blood from a virgin Alpha Chi Omega
Strain and garnish with Daddy’s money, and serve with authentic Gucci napkin.
Friendly = 1 ½ Drinks "Ooh my gosh! I love Gehry too!"
Drunk = 2 ¼ Drinks "Yaaa knooow, I have a screenplay."
Fighting Drunk = 4 Drinks "Fuck yoou. You only got in because you’re last name is ‘Annananananenberg’."
Compliant = 5 Drinks "Does your BMW make me look fat?"
SA - Rusty Nail (Michigan)
Sometimes it's hard being a Michigan fan. The Rose Bowl losses. The end of season losses to tOSU. The stagnant offense. There are times when you can be watching the game today and swear you are in 1975. Michigan is tradition. And more tradition. And more tradition. So a team like us need a drink that can get us through that one bad loss on our record.
And that's why I'm giving you…the Rusty Nail. Scotch baby. With more Scotch. Or Drambuie if you like. Cause Lord knows we're going to need it. That less than easy victory over a subpar Michigan State team that decides to play their best game against us. The way too close of a call against Illinois (although I've heard they're getting better). Having to see Sweatervest with his…sweatervest. That's a lot of work. And that's not taking into consideration the November weather. It's cold in Michigan. You need something to warm you up while you're in The Big House. You want sweet and fruity, go to the Pac-10. We need something to make it through those 14-12 Big Ten games.
I don't drink. But I do have a pretty good guestimate on how many of these it would take to get:
Friendly-A sip or two
Compliant-sipping down the third drink
Clare - Imp 'n' Arn (Pitt)
No Pitt Panther tailgate is complete without three things: 1) Portable beer pong table, 2) 'DVE blasting from your car speakers, and 3) Imp 'n' Arn. The Imp 'n' Arn, in its classical form, is a shot of Imperial whiskey chased with a pint of Iron City, but the gameday Imp 'n' Arn doesn't stand on ceremony. It's a slug of warm rotgut whiskey from the plastic 750 ml bottle your buddy's been carrying around for three hours in his pants pocket and a red Solo cup of whatever macrobrew you've got in the keg. It doesn't taste good, but it gets you riled up for THE WANNSTACHE.
Metschick - Manhattan (Rutgers)
I've thought about it long and hard, (that's what she said!) about what alcoholic drink the Rutgers Scarlet Knights would be. It has to be something that's been around forever (it's a point of pride amongst the Knights that the first college football game was between the Knights and the Princeton Tigers - and Rutgers won!), something that's bad, but has enjoyed a renaissance of sorts. Let's see how long RU is in vogue before returning to Teh Suck. Keeping all these things in mind, it came down to this drink: The Manhattan. I've never even had a Manhattan (fitting - I hadn't been to a Rutgers football game till September 06; that's how they had sucked in the past), so I can't even tell you what it tastes like. But that's okay. Ask the average New Jerseyan about Rutgers, and all you'll get is "Uh, R-U!" And it even has a cherry to put the scarlet in Scarlet Knights.
Friendly: 3/4; I'm already friendly as it is.
Fighting Drunk: N/A. I'm a calm drunk. As a matter of fact, when I'm really drunk, I become introverted, so as not to give away the fact that I'm drunk.
Compliant: 1/2; I'm pretty damn close to compliant while sober, so just give me a few minutes.
Andrea - Black & Gold Bomb (Iowa)
1/2 pint glass Budweiser
1/2 pint glass stout (preferrably Guinness)
1 shot Hawkeye Vodka with an ear of baby corn inside
This drink must be enjoyed in a group of 4, with everyone wearing Hayden Fry aviator sunglasses and chomping on gum a la Kirk Ferentz. Fill half the pint glass with good ol' Budweiser (no light beer), then layer the Guinness on top. Fill a shot glass with Hawkeye Vodka and an ear of baby corn (only Hawkeye Vodka will do, no substitutes). Drop the shot into the beer while singing, "In heaven there is no beer (NO BEER?), that's why we drink it here!" then chug the drink, chewing the baby corn. Whoever finishes first out of the foursome should slam his or her drink down and shout "I" and each subsequent finisher can continue with "O," "W," and "A." Continue chant for a few rounds.
This sounds like a drink that will both be potent and hard on the stomach. So, here are my numbers:
a. Friendly: 0. I'm always friendly.
b. Drunk: 3, maybe 4
c. Fighting Drunk: 0. I'm not a fighting drunk. But after 5-6, I'd become Lovey Drunk.
d. Compliant: I also call this phase "I'd sleep with Robert Gallery." Probably 7 or 8.
J-Money - The "I Never Really Wanted To Coach Alabama" Slammer (West Fuckin' Virginia)
OK, Mountaineers fans, let's clear the carburetor off the kitchen table and start making drinks. We'll limit the ingredients to things you probably have around the house: grain alcohol, buckshot, a handful of Sudafed, and a block of Velveeta.
1. To get an 'Eer friendly, gently heat the beverage over a burning sofa and strike up a conversation using an icebreaker like "Who's better, Slaton or Zereoue?" or "Does this look like Lyme disease to you?"
2. To get 'em drunk, casually mention the 1988 Fiesta Bowl, then get out of the way as said Mountaineer consumes an entire pitcher of them, choking out the words "Major Harris" between crying jags, then throws up in your Crock Pot.
3. Normally, WVU fans can hold their liquor, but they'll get fighting mad *without* drinking if you ever say any of the following:
"Mountaineers? I love Appalachian State!"
"Don Nehlen was overrated."
"God, that John Denver song sucks."
"Buckskin is sooo last year."
"Want to go see We Are Marshall?"
"Black lung is for pussies."
4. Compliant is easy. Hand your desired Mountaineer a "Pitt Eats Shit" tumbler, fill it to the brim, then casually suggest that you'd like to take them home to, ahem, adjust their rabbit ears. The next day, the only thing burning hotter than your couch will be your inflamed genitals.
Holly - Pound the Rock (Tennessee)
Let's kick off the season with a celebration of Tennessee's vaunted(ly ineffectual) running game--a simple, brutal cocktail that's deeply flawed but will kill your ass done right.
* Fill a mason jar with one (very large) part moonshine.
* Add a splash of Big K orange soda (just a splash, mind--you want color, not flavor).
* Grind any available crystal meth to a fine powder, sprinkle on rim of jar.
* Stand back and have your nearest cousin throw the entire thing at your head, jar and all. Straight up the middle, right, Jimmy Ray?
Friendly: Have we met? I'm always friendly. What switchblade? Don't be so dramatic.
Fighting Drunk: 3/4
Compliant: 2, plus a frying pan to the face.