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COLLEGE FOOTBALL COMES TO CHINA

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This panda fought Dan Hawkins. Bad idea, panda.

The news that college football may actually be jaunting over to China for a game is thrilling, simply thrilling. The possibilities of watching Dan Hawkins in the Middle Kingdom alone should make for comedy as he sincerely poses at Taoist/Confucianist temples and seriously attempts to fight the greeters at Shaolin Temple. ("I'M A CHAMPION!!! CHAMPIONS DO NOT MAKE JOKES! FIGHT ME, PAJAMA BOY!!!")

We lived in and around China for a bit, and we've pondered the combination of football and Zhongguo on other sites. But let's just imagine the possibilities for one more second, and not just for Boise State/Oregon, but for future matchups, too:

--Boise calls "statue of liberty" play, but running back Ian Johnson is flattened and killed by a PLA tank on the one yard line.

--Cal mascot Oski enjoys warm reception during first quarter, but is then stunned with repeated blows from a two-by-four and subjected to live intubation of his liver for his bile, a prized ingredient in Chinese medicine.

--Gary Barnett, now coaching for the Tennessee Volunteers '09, calls his new female kicker "terrible" and "a girl." Chinese reporters nod in understanding silence and then ask why she wasn't drowned at birth.

--Pete Carroll and the USC defense's frequent blitzing and relentless attacking gain instant recognition from Chinese spectators, who recognize the patterns from any and all attempts to board crowded Chinese commuter trains.

--[NAME REDACTED] barefoot-water-skis on the dammed-up Yangtze river, winning Illinois important PR points in Sichuan. However, the bubble is burst as the boat rams and kills the last remaining Yangtze River dolphin. Toxic river goo also eats the flesh from the bottom of [REDACTED]'s feet, which he announces in the hospital as "getting better and better" with each day.

--Mike Leach, China-endorsed XO cognac, and a dark karaoke bar in Shanghai: this has to happen. We have to be there. Imagine the Bill Murray "More Than This" scene from Lost In Translation, but "funny" instead of "wrist-slittlingly sad." We'd even make him wear the orange and blue camouflage shirt from the scene. Song choices for Coach Leach are more than welcome in the comments thread, though we lean toward "Anchors Aweigh."