This week's big board update, courtesy of Brian as always. Addenda--many, many addenda--follow, along with apologies and arbitrary awarding and subtraction of points as always.
Six is a magic number. The DWI for Sergio Kindle of the Longhorns this week pushes Texas into a deadlock for the sixth spot on the big board, jamming four teams into a tie. This is when champions make plays, people. Someone's got to step up. Sergio certainly did to the tune of two more points for the Longhorns.
If this were the Tour de France, there'd be a special jersey for Georgia as "King of Misdemeanor Traffic Violations." We imagine it would be alternating yellow and black stripes with a universal "NO" sign in the middle. In addition, their helmet would have a flashing gumball light attached to the top of their helmet.
No, seriously. Sedan chairs.
This week's edition of Clarke County Compliance Capers introduces a dangerous element for an already traffic-cursed team: mopeds. NaDerris Rakeem Ward was arrested (!) for passing vehicles on the right on a two-lane road in Athens. In addition to proving that Clarke County's people of substance maintain a huge police department as a source of lucrative jobs to parlay out to cronies (and thus overstaff, leading to, well, arresting and cuffing college kids on scooters,) it reinforces our insistence that UGA players just take sedan chairs borne by their fellow students everywhere. It'll be several arrest-free weeks before the Athens police department works up some bullshit charge to arrest them for, mark our words.
(Mark Richt, our offer to serve as the license and insurance compliance officer for UGA stands. No ulterior motives, we swear.)
Arkansas State fell from the big board after all charges in a roller-rink fracas were dismissed. Yet with the tenacity of a one-armed freestyle swimmer, they continue to pull themselves back into the race, this time with a theft charge for wide receiver Patrick Higgins, who gets two points back for stealing a woman's purse at a nightclub, a charge which would be three but for the judge only charging Higgins with misdemeanor theft.
Colorado State gets two points for a Ronnie Wilson-lite episode featuring Devin McWilliams greeting police investigating a complaint about a house party with a party favor he probably now regrets showing off in public: a pellet gun. Charges for "disorderly conduct as well as the prohibited use of a firearm" get Colorado State on the board for three points. Ronnie Wilson, by the way, thinks you're a total pussy for only carrying a pellet gun, Devin.
We're sure we've missed someone along the way, so include any and all corrections below. It's your orgy. We're just the towel-boy here.