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FLORIDA TO MOVE TO BIG TEN! NEW COACH: SASQUATCH!

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Florida to the Big Ten! Sasquatch!

This is...this is just fucktarded. Just Darwin award dumb. Like, Oscar Davenport Wonderlic dumb. The kind of dumb that you're afraid to even shake hands with, lest it prove contagious.

From David Jones at PennLive.

And former Big 12 commissioner Kevin Weiberg's recent move to the Big Ten Network only adds to the intrigue. He knows about Texas' TV clout better than anyone.

Texas in the Big 10! It's a done deal! How this happened earlier we'll never know, with only geography, history, demographics, and other "facts" getting in the way of this arrangement. But wait! There's more ether left in the can. (HHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFF.)

And if not Texas, stay south. Florida? It's by no means out of the realistic realm. More snowbirds are from the Midwest than any other area. Think UF wouldn't move? Think again.

First off, snowbirds are from New York. Long Island South takes great offense at this. Play "Piano Man" in an oldish bar in Tampa and watch the wrinkled, sunburnt elbows sway in drunken unison. There's plenty of midwesterners, sure, but they're in Orlando, fearful of that "water" shit surrounding the coasts.

Second, Florida would leave the SEC, but only if coached by Sasquatch. He's an Oregon grad, though, and likely to wander West for his dream job in a few years, and therefore not a good investment. However! If the Gnomes of Zurich collaborate with the Cult of Cthulu and place enough leverage on the Masons, then just maybe fellow Druid cult leader Jim Delany could wedge fellow sacrifice cult leader Jeremy Foley into it. Let's just hope the Elders of Zion don't object!

We could do this all day, really. Rutgers to join League of Nations! USC to leave Pac-10 for the Bundesliga! Michigan to join DEI Racing! Don't think it'll happen? (Where's my bullshit rhetorical device of the day...ah, there it is.) THINK AGAIN!!!

If this column were any dumber, we'd have to keep it inside during rainstorms to keep it from drowning as it looked up. (HT: Brian.)