AP--BATON ROUGE, LA. Les Miles made an incendiary appearance on a local radio show in Baton Rouge last week, lambasting the Pac-10, USC, and the Big 12 for what Miles insinuated were their weak schedules and overall quality of competition. Miles then shocked listeners by attacking 11 year old Hayley Lafontaine, a local Baton Rouge child and neighbor of Miles.
Hayley Lafontaine, Les Miles hates your ass.
Miles began the tirade by responding to a query about a hypothetical matchup between USC and LSU in this year's BCS championship game.
"I can tell you this, that they have a much easier road to travel," Miles said. "They’re going to play real knockdown drag-outs with UCLA and Washington, Cal-Berkeley, Stanford — some real juggernauts — and they’re going to end up, it would be my guess, in some position so if they win a game or two, that they’ll end up in the title [game].
"I would like that path for us. I think the SEC provides much stiffer competition."
Miles' rant then snowballed into a critique of his former conference as head coach at Oklahoma State.
"The Big 12 is a conference that might have two really pretty good teams, maybe four. I think the Pac-10 may have one or two really good ones. The ACC certainly, arguably, has some quality teams.
"I don't think there's any conference out there that has as many quality teams as ours."
Not done, Miles then lambasted neighbor Hayley Lafontaine, an 11 year old student at Malducul Middle School.
"Never...and I mean never...have I seen such a thoroughly mediocre and pisspoor performance by a child in all aspects of her life as in Hayley Lafontaine.
I've had the opportunity to watch plenty of kids in my life, but none have disappointed me--and the whole fucking world, actually--than that little pigtailed bag of crapshit, Hayley Lafontaine."
The host attempted to intervene, but Miles refused to yield the mic.
"Her bicycle lacks streamers. Her birthday parties always turn up the dregs of the sixth grade, including Darwin the fat nerd from down the street who always wears Earth Shoes and smells like bad cheese."
"Hayley never sells Girl Scout cookies either, meaning I have to buy them at the office, which means hundreds of bucks out of Lester's hat budget thanks to 'not wanting to look like a dickhead who won't buy cookies from everyone's goddamn huckster of a child.' That half-assed ninny costs me hundreds every year, and all I get for it is five pounds of excess body weight and stacks of uneaten Tagalongs in my fucking fridge."
Hayley Lafontaine, unwitting target of Les Miles' rage.
"She continually misses the easy layup goals her father sets her up for in front-yard soccer. She couldn't tap in a one timer if they threw a Zorb at her and asked her to roll it into the Grand fucking Canyon. Counting on a scholarship to offset being nouveau-riche house-poor trash, Lafontaines? Don't fucking think so, Charlie."
"And her clothes? Puh-leeze. Chloe Sevigny called--her wardrobe puked and wants what it ate for lunch back. Hayley's clothes look like somebody redesigned Zayles' kids line on PCP and then let it pass through the digestive system of an irritated Llama...and that's just getting close. Crocs? Crocs? She's eleven, and she's given up on life already, which is a good call, Hayley Lafontaine. Because you are a loser and will be for the entirety of your poor, miserable existence."
"And she plays Avril fucking Lavigne all damn day. Avril Lavigne. As if anyone in the world gave a flying dog turd-shaped airplane made of dog turds about her anymore. She's even behind in her mid-adolescent soundtrack music, for fuck's sake. Goddammit, how I loathe that brokedick excuse for an 11 year old girl. She keeps going on about how excited she is about the Bratz movie coming up--Omigod bratz bratz bratz weeeEEEEEEE--that I'm thinking of burning down the Regal 5 the night before just to watch her cry."
Miles paused, then concluded. "Champions hate mediocrity. And all champions should hate 11 year old Hayley Lafontaine with the intensity of a bonfire fueled with the gas from the endlessly farting ass of a mythic, methane-farting Bull-God."
Miles finished, and then exited the studio quietly. When reached for comment, the parents of Hayley Lafontained declined comment, saying only that Hayley was busy with a twirling lesson and would be unavailable for interviews, and Les Miles "talked a lot of shit for someone living off Nick Saban's leavins'," and that they were not "house-poor," but rather waiting for a shipment of expensive blonde-wood Scandinavian furniture to arrive post-haste.