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According to Bruins Nation, noted humanitarian and USC football coach Pete Carroll attended a service at the Agape Spiritual Center, one of these Oprah-friendly nouveau religious centers for those who like their religion without crushing guilt, obligation, or judgement. You call them New Age, we call them total pussies. (Lapsed Catholics say what!)

Pete then, according to witness UCngLA from the openly biased folks at Bruins Nation, addressed the crowd with the following opening line, excerpted from the post at BN:

"It's great to be in this place, to be among all these angels." And by angels he was referring to the audience.

Pete Carroll will be with you angels in a minute. First he's got a Palestinian crisis to mediate. Then he's got Pilates. Then: you, angels.

This is true. We're taking it as true. Even if it's not true we'll never admit it. You angels, you can't take this away from us. Pete Carroll is the guy who names trees in his yard. Pete Carroll really does ride a golden unicycle. Pete Carroll is the nearly 60 guy with sculpted abs who hangs with Will Ferrell. Pete Carroll really does drive a Range Rover, because you never know when you'll be called to lead an aid convoy in Darfur. Pete Carroll is the youth pastor who will write a check made out to you with the sum line filled out as "complete happiness," and sign it with the name "God." He is Kevin Rawley from Meet the Parents, and is making you a stunning hand-carved gazebo with his own hands as we speak.

Like God, if Pete Carroll didn't exist, we'd have to make him up.