Women, tackling dummies, lots of 40ish women doing deep squats: it all sounds like one of Carl Spackler's more feverish sexual fantasies, but no! we say--it's the Ole Miss women's football camp, yet another one of those marginal offseason fundraisers that fill the long, empty, desolate, but now only 68 days or so until college football season begins.
And this article from the Memphis Commercial-Appeal is really the first and last thing you need to read about this year's wave of camps, because we can assure you with scientific certainty that nothing, and we mean ABSOLUDDDELY NOFIN' GONNA TOP DA OWE MISSAH CAMP with your honored host, the Orgeron.
LADEEZ DA OWGERON GONNA LURNYA SOMMADAT GOODOWWFASHUNNED FOOTBAW!!!
OXFORD, Miss. -- Ole Miss coach Ed Orgeron stood at the center of 400 screaming women.
"WAR TIME! TAKE IT OUTSIDE! WAR TIME! TAKE IT OUTSIDE!"
This is precisely what Ed Orgeron says to all the women he takes back to "The Tannery,"
since a beast like that only procreates with live cover, and only does so under the stars so he can howl at his forefathers looking down in approval. (Ed Orgeron also makes love to 400 women at a time...all at once. But we digress--if you're interested in further reading on the topic, see D.A. Taylor's fascinating paper Mating Habits of the Orgeron: Bombast and Brutality in the Bayou, American Journal of Ethnobiology, Volume XII, ed. 4 pp. 35--72.)
The ladies misunderstood the directive, however, and instead exited to the practice field, where John Thompson continued the saucy tone of the event.
After they disengaged, Thompson offered some additional instruction on the proper defensive stance. He told his wife to line up opposite him.
"Four to six inches," he said before pausing and smiling at his audience. "I'm not going to make a joke about that, either!"
HEY-O!!! John's brought the wacky, but the ladies paid all that money--$125 each--for biker fuel, namely ass and grass. The grass came courtesy of the groundskeepers, but the ass came in the form of chiseled BenJarvus Green-Ellis, the four-monikered running back who modeled Ole Miss uniforms at the camp.
We would just like to remark that we have reached an unusual point in race relations in this country when this scene happens at the Ole Miss women's football camp:
But the true treat was the surprise appearance of running back BenJarvus Green-Ellis, who emerged in full uniform. As 80 women craned their necks for a better view, an Ole Miss staff assistant explained that Green-Ellis was there to illustrate the components of the team's wardrobe.
"TAKE IT OFF!" the women began to shout. "TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!"
We can only assume they screamed in bold type, too. Green-Ellis flashed some six-pack for them, which provoked a reaction Commercial-Appeal writer Scott Cacciola summed up in a single phrase. "The ladies were pleased." (By Bayou Brasky, a.k.a. Ed Orgeron, no doubt, but only in groups of six at a time due to his getting back late from a recruiting trip the night before.)
HT: The always observant Wiz of Odds.