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WE STILL RUN THIS PLACE: PURDUE TE ARRESTED FOR DUI

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The ghost of Garret Bushong still inhabits Purdue. If you'll recall, Bushong inhabited the prestigious third-string TE spot at Purdue when he was charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated. Bushong boldly defended himself in deathless prose in the student paper (The Exponent, a title so boldly nerdy you have to tip hat) in a letter that featured this quote:

We run this place and if anyone begs to differ, I’ll say what my good buddy Brandon Kirsch once said. "You know where to find me, locker number three, so come and say what you need to say to my face."

Why thank you, Lattimer! A.J. Jacobs of The Know It All fame once joked about identifying a "trend of two" as a desperation move in creating a new story for Esquire. We'll go ahead and call a trend of two for reserve tight ends at Purdue, as Jerry Wasikowski was arrested on May 22nd for DUI in West Lafayette at 5 in the morning.

Again: next time, just sleep on the nearest couch or floor. You may want to spend the night in your own bed, sure, but chances are you'll just end up flopping into bed anyway smelling like the inside of a Guangzhou taxi cab. You'll accomplish several things this way: preventing a DUI, opening the gate for potential late-night random sex, and ensuring that you'll transfer the reek of your clothes into a stranger's couch and not your own sheets, which you'll have to wash, sir/ma'am.


Ugly, put sometimes essential: just stay on the nearest couch, no matter how rank.

Two points for generic DUI to Purdue, who still runs this place.