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DO NOT THROW WATER BALLOONS AT BYU PLAYERS

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BYU players don't appreciate a lot of things. Don't rib them for playing for school where tailgaters can't drink beer; they hate that shit. Don't joke about them being slow and white, either, since plenty of them aren't, and if you do they might draw and quarter you in a bowl game you stumble into one middling season. (See: Oregon, 2006 Pioneer PureVision Bowl.)

One new wrinkle: don't throw water balloons at them, either. A couple of students mischievously tossed some water balloons at attendees of a parking lot dance in Provo late Friday night. (This pales in comparison to what Florida players have been doing in parking lots lately, of course. Fair editorial self-mutilation seeks affirmation!)

Not funny at BYU.

One water balloon hit a woman, who did what all dumb belligerent women do: find dumb huge men to do their bidding.

One woman, 19-year-old Natalie Dew, of Provo, got hit on the leg and became upset.

"Some insults and threats were exchanged between the two above and Dew below and Dew said that she would be returning with some guys," Edwards said."

Hooks, Dew and So'oto entered the apartment building and went up to the third floor, but got turned around and confused inside the building and started banging on the wrong apartment door, demanding entrance, Edwards said.

When no one answered immediately, Edwards said Hooks kicked the door in.

Undaunted, they displayed tenacity in finding the rogue balloon snipers and eventually kicked the correct door in, for which they won the prize of a second burglary charge each and an arrest by the apartment's security guard, an off-duty local policeman.

BYU makes their Fulmer Cup debut with what we'll initially call a six point offense, subject to further modification pending the total charges assessed. Bronco Hammer Anchordick Magnum Jackfoot Mendehall (totally a fake name), BYU coach, has suspended Terrance Deshawn Hooks and Vitale TaAaga Magauli So'oto, but praised their form in attacking the doors and driving through them with their hips.