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JOE THEISMANN LOSES JOB, GAINS NEW GROUP OF SWORN ENEMIES--COLLEGE FOOTBALL FANS

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Okay, so Joe Theismann (however the hell you spell it) might, just, possibly, kind of sorta may be looking at calling college football next year now that ESPN's booted him off Monday Night Football in exchange for St. Jaworski and the Gilded Telestrator of Turin. (God, do we love Ron Jaworski.)

Click here for our reaction. (Thanks, Brian.)

Take a moment. Good. If you vomited, please clean yourself up. If you require medical attention still after this moment of collection, dial 911 and lay prone on the floor with your head tilted to the side. Consider what a good life it's been, and how you'll die in the prime of youth without experiencing the cruel indignities of old age.

This actually presents a golden opportunity for you as a fan to experience one of life's sweetest pleasures: toluene, one of the key ingredients in paint thinner.


Between Thiesmannnn and paint thinner...we choose paint thinner.

If the story pans out, we're breaking the seal on our unrealized potential as an inhalant addict. Why? Via Wikipedia, the specs on inhalant abuse:

Inhalation of toluene fumes can be intoxicating, but in larger doses nausea-inducing. Chronic or frequent inhalation of toluene over long time periods leads to irreversible brain damage.

Which sounds a lot like the long term side effects of exposure to this:


"And if you'll look here, you'll see that the quarterback is clearly a total pussy. I'm just saying, just my opinion. You know, I talked with Coach before the game..." = brain damage, too.

Huff up, America. It's the only rational choice in this losing proposition. Breathe in the sweet scent of benzene--relish the pops of your brain cells dying hazy deaths beneath the roof of your skull. The only solace we can milk from this cruel stone is this: we have it on good authority that Joe T. wore a speedo when he went to his local country club's pool until the early 1990s. Again: side effects may include nausea.