Posting picks up a-plenty today as soaring temperatures around the nation bring people out of their homes and into the well-furnished jails of our nation.

Georgia. On the board for what we’re forecasting as a point for being pulled in via a “fake ID dragnet” in Athens. Warrants have been issued. Roadbloacks set up. Snipers have been posted. Whatever happens, it still can’t be as embarrassing an offseason for Athens area law enforcement as last year’s Ninjagate. It is early, though-there’s still time for them to pull a Jim Dangle and turn this thing around, dangit.

South Carolina earns no points but provides a cautionary tale of avoiding the fight and subsequent Fulmer Cup Points. From the Sporting News via Chas:

Sorensen, 20, was hit over the head with a beer bottle at a downtown Columbia restaurant Saturday as he turned to walk away from a fight with 25-year-old Christian Ernest Beyer, according to a police report.

Spurrier took his usual sympathetic tone in dealing with the incident:

“He had a little injury downtown,” coach Steve Spurrier said. “Y’all didn’t hear about it?”

We salute Sorensen for walking away from the incident. Even if you manage to stay conscious after getting hit with a beer bottle, the results aren’t pretty or compatible with leisure activities not included in “Chuck ‘The Iceman’ Liddell’s Guide to Fun.” It is compatible with this statement, however: “Tha’s redneck right therr.” We can’t imagine how many souls’ last words heard on this earth are those. We do know how many of them are wearing sleeveless t-shirts-every last single one of ‘em.

Thanks to aspiring graphic designer Brian, we have a scoreboard at last:

Brian’s design received a few more voice votes in the legislature on Friday, trumping the fine work done by reader Peter. (Peter-people just like shiny things! Mmm. Shiny things.)

The scoreboard will hopefully be updated weekly, and will (as requested) feature the Family Feud Theme music on opening.

During one of our editions of EDSBS Live (now available on ITunes for the great price of “cheap as free,”) listeners were asked what they didn’t know about as fans. The consistent answer: the actual game going on beneath the tackling, hitting, and feats of combat acrobatics that is football. They see the fireworks, but don’t understand the chemistry that makes things go boom in a certain, designed way.

Given that, we’re tackling (pun intended) Football 101 using what we’ve got: and XBox, a fifty dollar video capture device, and Windows Movie Maker. This is the beta-there’s a few errors, the pacing’s odd, and we get cut off at the end due to sloppy editing.

However: watch it, critique it, and tell us what you want to see further digression/explanation of regarding football.

Part One: What You’re Looking At On A Typical Play.

Answering our call for spring report correspondents, J. Campbell from Bama Report files this tidbit from Tuscaloosa about the Tide’s practices under the reign of Saban the Merciless. If you would like to file a spring report to EDSBS, send details and nude(NO!-legal.) pictures to harumphharumph of the yahoo.com variety of email address.

Much thanks to J. for the pics.

Nick Saban kept his first spring practice at the University of Alabama frenetic but not furibund, instructing players on both sides of the ball, shadowing his assistants through manifold drills and exercises for an assiduous 110 minutes-at one point even filling in for the secondary coach’s missing graduate assistant. Cornerback Simeon Castille lasted 45 minutes of the first practice before having his manhood challenged, paying takers on the under a moneyline of 5:2.

Saban, seen here on the practice field, attempts to instill the discipline sorely absent from the previous regime, who, if this sign is any indication, found it necessary to remind the team they were football players, not the Dukes of Hazzard.

Remember: don’t drive your vehicle on the field, especially if your car chews tobacco.

Addressing the players after a team sprint, Saban borrows a Khmer Rouge motivational technique: “Your families have forgotten you; whatever I say is your reality. Today you see but an empty hand. But by the end of this, I will raise an empty hand and you will see a gun. And if I shoot you with this gun, you die!”

(more…)

Montesquieu argued that despotism and heat went hand in hand, since “the excess of heat enervates the body, and renders men so slothful and dispirited that nothing but the fear of chastisement can oblige them to perform any laborious duty.” Meaning: more heat=more violence=more despotism the closer you got to the equator.

A special double Fulmer Cup entry finds the Frenchman vindicated this week. First, Hawaii’s Keenan Jones, suspended from the team just hours before for violating team rules, punches and kicks his girlfriend after a heated altercation at his apartment this past Tuesday. He also was charged with refusing to let her leave the apartment, something certainly qualifying as a dick move on top of obvious dick move.

If he did post bail with Da Kine Bail Bonds, we hope he doesn’t try to skip out on it, since that Dog the Bounty Hunter guy will totally get in deep shit with his wife and her triple G boobs. We’re more frightened of those than any can of pepper spray or stun baton. Russian coal miner, trapped under fifty tons of coal shale; you, smothering to death under those milk-Alps while she bitches you out about “stealing from her kids”…really the same fate, no?

Just…need…air…

The University of Hawaii is awarded three points for hitting girls.

In our second bit of semi-tropical violence…USF gets on the board with a Tampa specialty: parking lot altercations at clubs so sketchy even the name begs for a prompt washing with antibiotic soap. To wit:

Michael Jenkins Jr., 22, and Carlton Williams, 21, were both charged with disorderly conduct and obstructing an officer.

According to police, the pair was among a crowd of 200 that had gathered outside Bobalouie’s Bar on East Bearss Avenue.

Full disclosure: we once had a cinder block thrown at our Honda Civic from an overpass around this same area. It’s sketchy-can you say The Hills Have Eyes, only with every one wearing knockoff Fubu gear? It’s really like that, including the fact that all of its residents run at 12 frames a second. The incident will earn USF 2 points for each count of FnDC (hold the cursor over that for the full meaning) for a total of four points on the year.

Also take note of the Bulls’ players and their well-coached mug shot etiquette. Clearly Michael Jenkins Jr. is already apologetic; his face screams out “I had five too many Jello shooters, something I obviously regret with this expression,” a classic plea of guilt and remorse. His acquaintance Carlton Williams, however, wants you to just stop hatin’, 5.0.

USF: representing the full spectrum of mugshot expression.