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HOW TO TELL IF YOUR COACH HAS CANCER

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Does your coach have cancer? The signs for the average homo clipboardicus with a diagnosed case of cancer differ from that of normal men. Most people with cancer get chemotherapy, a treatment causing pain, nausea, fatigue, hair loss, anemia, weakened immunoresponse, and central nervous system problems. They often take time off work, too.

Coaches, however, display only one symptom of cancer: they announce that they have cancer. The latest to do this is Butch Davis, whose dentist found a disturbing growth in his mouth later identified as a non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Davis will receive chemo, but insists all will remain normal at his new gig at UNC:

His doctors have suggested he might feel slightly fatigued at the end of treatment but that should have no impact on his participation--as hands-on as ever--in spring practice.

Coaching the Browns would give anyone cancer, we say; Davis has never smoked or done chewing tobacco, considerable accomplishments for a guy from Arkansas. Davis still remains a weeping willow of a man in comparison to Indiana coach Terry Hoeppner, who came back from a brain tumor last season at Indiana while missing only two days of work. That's after having someone drill a hole in his skull, dig around for 12 hours or so, and remove a large chunk of angry, misfiring cell matter from his goddamn brain. As someone who moaned like he'd been stabbed at the diagnosis of "runner's knee," we have no idea how Hoeppner did this, and frankly never want to find out how.

Hoeppner has had a moment of clarity this week, though, announcing he will take spring practice off to tend to health matters. We hope this isn't as ominous as it sounds--the Bloomington papers have certainly hinted at ominousness in the announcement. All the best to both Hoeppner and Davis in their treatment.