Three words that will always enter your team in the Fulmer Cup:

1. Pistol.

2. Whippin’.

3. Vandals.

Vandals! Run!

Three great tastes that taste great together! Add a topping of “team coached by Dennis Erickson just a few months ago” and we’re feeling a blockbuster of a score coming on here. The sad, relevant facts from the still-frozen wastes of Moscow, Idaho:

Tone Taupule, a 22-year-old safety, was arrested about 4:30 a.m. in Moscow after a resident was robbed and pistol-whipped in his home…The victim told police a man was inside his apartment when he returned home and brandished a semiautomatic pistol and forced him to give him about $1,000 from a safe. The robber then allegedly hit the man with the weapon and fled…The victim picked Taupule out of a photo lineup, Duke said. Taupule was arrested at his Moscow apartment, where a search warrant produced cash, a magazine and ammunition, but no weapon, Duke said.

Taupule garnered two felony charges at his hearing: felony armed robbery and aggravated battery. We break down points accordingly:

Felony armed robbery: 3 points, since it didn’t involve abductions, a gang of hundreds armed with axes, the theft of a rare and cursed work of art, or hott ladiez in body suits.

Aggravated battery: Again, 3 points because of the simple nature of the crime. He didn’t make off with the Hope Diamond, or steal a gay sheep or anything so grand as that.

Bonuses: One point for invoking both memories of one of Good Fellasbetter scenes and Dennis Erickson associations with the pistol-whipping. Plus your team is named the Vandals, and in life real irony like this is rare and bears special mention. Therefore: one bonus point.

The total score for Idaho: Seven FC points. Salut!

It’s division one football!!! It’s the Big Tweaaaaauuuuhhhlve!!! It’s…Dan Hawkins going for the Oscar as a guy ranting and running around his new house in an ad for Qwest Broadband or some other bundle of overpriced media/cable services:

There’s nothing overly mockable about the ad, aside from the hypotheticals, of course. What’s he pumping his fist for at the end? Surely not Colorado game tape. Likely candidates include a very special episode of Ow! My Ballz!, any scene from Cool Runnings, the dragon fight scene from Red Sonya, or the bit in Black Mama, White Mama where Pam Grier and (Insert hot 70s white chick here) are tied together topless and fistfighting in solitary confinement. (Clip isn’t actually that one, and is totally SFW. Sadly.)

At least that’s what we cheer like that for.

Two interesting bits of “chatter” from the Miami Herald’s weekend “chatter” section:

First, Jim Kelly, former ‘Canes qb and vocal booster, called Donna Shalala and pushed June Jones as the next head coach of Miami, unaware that the hiring process for Randy Shannon had already begun in earnest. Kelly’s explanation:”‘They need to be more open offensively,” Kelly said. “I was spoiled with three-receiver sets.” Why June Jones would have voluntarily left the best job on the planet is beyond us, especially when it would mean leaving for the meat grinder situation at Miami, where 9-3 gets close family members kidnapped and a losing record gets your pet tiger killed.

This mostly confirms our suspicions that somewhere in Jim Kelly’s head, it’s still 1985, and the K-Gun just needs a few more tweaks to get that shiny ring.

Kelly’s first choice will leave Hawaii only in the safe confines of a pine box.

Second is this clip regarding FSU’s hiring of Jimbo Fisher as offensive coordinator:

An FSU official said the school would not guarantee new offensive coordinator Jimbo Fisher that he would be Bobby Bowden’s successor when he was negotiating to leave LSU. But he will be considered when Bowden retires. . . .

Cue Lloyd Christmas saying “…so you’re saying there’s a chance!!!” Unless Jimbo works his way into the Bowden family-surely there’s a nubile Bowdenette lurking somewhere in that expansive family tree-his chances of landing the head job are null and void. Even from the grave, we suspect Bowden the Elder will somehow manage to wangle some spawn of his into the head chair. Jeff Bowden’s still technically under contract, no?

As sensational as the story is, the only disciplinary action coming (heh) out of the Cincinnati gangbang case involving current Bearcat players and a former female soccer player (heh, misplaced modifier) whose group sex ended up on tape will be a student conduct violation for one player, suspended for one game by the Bearcats. This concludes Cincinnati’s investigation of the incident, though we’re sure others in student dorms will continue “investigating” the tapes for years to come. (heh.)

You thought this was going to be the actual tape, didn’t you? You dirty, sick person. We couldn’t find one, actually, despite looking and asking around for one. However, we can offer up things we think WKRP could stand for in this case: We Kings of Random Penetration, perhaps?

The player, one of many [NAME REDACTED]s in the article, claimed the sex was simply between himself and the woman mentioned in the case, something that without breaking the laws of physics was clearly untrue given the evidence the committee had. His own accounts of the evening contradicted other testimony gathered during the investigation. Sadly, testimony will not be made public, so we’ll have to present our own EDSBS: True Athletic Disciplinary Committee Transcript Simulation below.

Student: Then I finished with a Houston Oiler, and we were done with the sex.

Student: No, no, I certainly remember that. That shit was awesome.

It’s a definite maybe: Boston College is wooing a 6′ 2″, 275 pound lineman out of Fairfield Prep who, despite only picking up the game two years ago, is garnering “serious interest” from major schools. (Pity those who only receive “joking interest” and receive the squirting flower treatment from schools. “We’d love to have you here…SIKE!”)

The lineman’s name? He’s a Congolese kid named Masengo Kabongo.

If BC gets him, we have a new favorite team in the ACC. If he sacks the qb, the PA announcer should be fired for not booming out “KABONGO!!!” in celebration.

KABONGO!!!