clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

FULMER CUP: BRING THE ILLINOISE!

New, 27 comments

Topic: Fulmer Cup

Soundtrack: Bring the Noise, Public Enemy and Anthrax. As good as the hybrid nu-metal hybrid shit it inspired is bad.

We postponed this Fulmer Cup entry in order not to just regurgitate the facts of the wire story, turn in a flippant slag or two at [NAME REDACTED], and award points. To do real research, in other words--to add real value here.

When that didn't work, however, we just put a Public Enemy clip at the top and decided to do the whole thing anyway. In short, two Illinois football players were involved in an auto accident over the weekend, and the sight of a what was obviously a woman's wallet sitting on the carseat aroused the attending officer's suspicions. Inside the car, police found...

...stolen laptop computers, cash and credit cards in their vehicle. Police believe those items were taken during several residential burglaries.

Such prejudicial language. They could be "borrowed with subtlety," or perhaps "involuntarily leased." Or they can even trot out the Jason Bourne defense, claiming that Treadstone is right on their ass, and if the cops don't get out of the way, they'll be forced to use their assassin's powers to preserve their mission--thus the laptops, cash, and stacks of fake passports.

In all fairness, [NAME REDACTED] has suspended them indefinitely for the arrest. The charges, though, could at the least, let's say, severely impact their eligibility.

First Assistant State's Attorney Steve Ziegler said this morning that he charged Joseph "Jody" Ellis, 20, and Derrick McPhearson, 20, both listing addresses in the 100 block of Sterling Court, Savoy, with four counts each of residential burglary, a Class 1 felony which carries a mandatory prison term of four to 15 years upon conviction.

Felony burglary? That's at least three points for each count, bringing the total for this single case to a whopping 24 points. If the charges hold, that's a Cho Oyu-sized tally for any university (even Marshall or Ohio) to catch up with.


We're winning! Yay!