Our sources worked overtime this weekend in an attempt to keep us appraised of any and all shennanigans going on ESPN: The Weekend in sunny Orlando, Florida. The map shows recorded incidents by number, as recorded by our spies.
(EPCOT was reported on by current CSTV analyst and bon vivant Trev Alberts. See his account of the festivities here.)
1. Apparently expecting resistance, a kinte-print clad Michael Irvin is admitted at the VIP entrance to the park without a fuss. Accompanying him are cousin of Nate Newton, Leonard "Pooky" Newton, Jodeci's K-Ci, and Harvard Law professor Alan Dershowitz.
2. ESPN special guest and Chicago Bears defensive lineman shoots animatronic elephant with an Uzi he smuggled into the park between his pecs. The shooting apparently began when Jungle Cruise Pilot Eric Anderson began shooting blanks from his costume sidearm at animatronic "natives" who are part of the attraction.
"While we value audience participation at the Jungle Cruise, the use of any firearms--real and fake--is reserved exclusively for Disney cast members," said Disney spokesperson Lindsay Green.
Tank Johnson commented to reporters afterwards, "I just thought I was showin' em that n****z don't play in the Chi. Out."
3. Ron Artest's House of Pampered Bitches, closed by ASPCA and Orlando Police at 1:00 p.m.
One of Ron Artest's pampered bitches.
4. Pirates of the Carriberman...taking you BACK BACK BACK to the age of piracy in the early days of ESPN. Consists of animatronic scenes of Chris Berman throwing football to '82 Tampa Bay Bucs, singing on stage with Huey Lewis and the News, and paying an ESPN intern to drink his own urine at a staff meeting for Berman's entertainment.* Attendance: low.
5. Bob Ley's Tropical Lean-To of Journalistic Integrity sees little activity throughout the day.
6. Scott Van Pelt serves up drinks throughout the day for corporate sponsors at the Tiki Room, Under New Management. Is tackled and arrested by Department of Homeland Security when Aqua Teen Hunger Force shirt and constant obscure referencing makes an anonymous tipster guest "suspicious about him being some fag terrorist type." Reportedly extradited to Syria for "further questioning by Syrian authorities."
7. Thunder Mountain. Michael Irvin and posse ride the coaster on the same train along with visiting Nigerian Finance Minister Elmore Derrigas and his retinue.
8. Scoop Jackson pronounces Br'er Rabbit and collection of colorful characters from the Song of the South pictured at Splash Mountain "like a mad offensive slap at all my Asian brethren. Ma boy Yao ain't gonna like what he sees. He's gonna go all banzai like Godzilla. Y'all be lucky if you can make pad thai out of this place when he's done."
9. Steven A. Smith signs autographs in the Tom Sawyer Caves from 11:00 p.m. to 11:15 p.m. "We stand one hundred percent behind Steven and his passionate commentary," says ESPN spokesperson Giles Feeley.
10. At a rousing performance of the Country Bear Jamboree, Disney cast member Oswalt Smith notices a striking similarity between the head of the Nigerian delegation visiting the park today and former Dallas wide receiver Michael Irvin.
Nigerian finance minister Elmore Derrigas, seen here speaking at the World Bank in 2005.
11. Tank Johnson discharges 128 rounds of armor piercing orndance at the Ol' Frontier Shooting Gallery. Still misses the cowboy peeking his head out of the watering trough, thus not earning the jumbo teddy bear he wanted in the first place.
12. Watching some kids pose with Goofy reminds Bill Simmons of something awesome that happened in Boston concerning the NBA sometime between 1984 and 1989 that could also be tied to a Blossom or Saved By The Bell reference.
13. John Kruk avoids the entire event by purchasing fake mustache, drinking four fishbowl margaritas, and playing a dozing Rutherford B. Hayes in the Hall Of Presidents.
14. Pluto, through his breathing vent, offers to be Linda Cohn's dog if she wants to bury the bone later during a photo opportunity. Cohn calls Tom Brady to ask permission.
15. Appearing to be "red-eyed and very animated" according to witnesses, Bill Walton "totally freaks out" during Haunted Mansion ride, shutting down operations by leaving his car and fleeing eastward towards Fantasyland.
16. Tim Kirkjian declines a ride on "It's a Small World" to avoid the obvious jokes like the ones that asshole Buster Olney made last year.
17. Tim Hardaway summarizes "Peter Pan's Magic Flight" as "thrilling, insoucient fun. Just fabulous, really. Like something out of my beloved favorites, the Busby Berkeley glamoramas of the 1930s. Just, like, wow."
18. Disney security, tipped off by alert cast member, zero in on Michael Irvin and posse, riding Cinderella's Carousel along with the Nigerian Finance minister and his crew.
19. Lou Holtz, touring Cinderella's Castle, slips into a reverie of his own.
Lou Holtz, dreaming in deplorable, hasty Photoshop.
20. In a mixup later to cause diplomatic ripples far beyond the bounds of the Magic Kingdom, Nigerian Finance Minister Elmore Derrigas and company are escorted from the park for showing up to ESPN: The Weekend after his termination from the network.
21. While riding "Snow White's Adventure," Shelley Smith bursts into tears and deletes Matt Leinart's number from her phone.
22. Bill Walton rides "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" forty-seven times in a row, alternately laughing hysterically and staring gapemouthed at the scenery.
23. Reserved for Boston Red Sox/ New York Yankees content.
24. Reserved for Boston Red Sox/ New York Yankees content.
25. Reserved for Boston Red Sox/ New York Yankees Content.
26. Hank Goldberg makes $17,000 picking winners against other guests at the Indy Speedway. Charlie Ward stands in corner, points, and is heard to say "There they go again."
27. Jim Rome denied entrance to Space Mountain after failing minimum height requirement.
28. Michael Irvin attempts to score blow off cast member Buzz Lightyear. Irvin, unknowingly tapping into the club-frequenting gay population who makes up the workforce of the Magic Kingdom, scores a fat bag of weed, twenty pills of "bombass X," some Columbian blueflake, and the last four quaaludes on the planet, which he downs with the aforementioned cast member in a Tomorrowland bathroom. They make fast, queasy love.
29. Soccer analyst Tommy Smyth and a rogue band of British tourists instaconvert into impromptu soccer hooligans, tossing road flares, chunks of concrete, and piles of flaming souvenirs into the machinery of the Tomorrowland Transit Authority.
"They best change the name of this bastard back to the WedWay People Mover," said Smyth, "or we'll be bloody pissed. These people can grab on the bulge in my auld onion bag if they disagree."**
Tommy Smyth: BIG fan of the Wedway People Mover.
30. Site of Mark Schlereth's "Parts Of My Body in Formaldehyde, sponsored by Allstate." Features futuristic array of cartilage, bone, and other tissues removed from the body of the ESPN commentator. Special exhibit features significant pieces of ESPN commentator Merrill Hoge's cerebrum preserved in jars.
31. Mike Tirico's "Touch Tunnel of Tomorrow, sponsored by Cingular" sees its first civil complaint at 10:13 a.m.. The complainant, a paying guest of the park named Harold Reynolds, denies Tirico's claim that it was just a hug, claiming "I know hugs. That, sir, was no hug." Operations cease altogether at 11: 30.
32. Tank Johnson returns "fire" during a particularly intense scene in "ExtraTERRORextrial Encounter" with an RPG, creating a standoff situation that is ongoing as of this publication's deadline. The quote from Johnson: "WHAT?"
33. Michael Irvin serves as honorary master of ceremonies of the night's Electrical Parade under the guise of being Nigerian Finance Minister Elmore Derrigas, complete with sash. Dershowitz advises him to ride the bit as long as it will take him, and begins calling contacts at the IMF.
*Later known as Mike Greenberg
**For the six people who know and love Tommy Smyth.