Dan Hawkins reminds you that it’s Division-1 football you’re playing here. He’s also obviously miles away from switching to decaf any time soon. It’s a short clip, but very violent. You have been warned. (HT: The Daily Camera and reader Rabid Badger.)
Warning: very, very, very loud noises. Mind the volume.
IT’S DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL!!! WE KNEW WHAT WE WERE, AND WE LET US GET AWAY!!! GET DOWN OFF THE SHED BEFORE I MAKE YOU SORRY YOU WERE EVER BORN AHHHHH!!!!
Dear student body of [YOUR UNIVERSITY'S NAME HERE],
I would first like to thank you for the warm welcome I have received since signing with your university. It’s not often an 18 year old gets the chance to have sex eleven times in a 24-hour span with anyone but himself, much less with a gang of disease-free ladies with such a dizzying array of techniques, preferences, skills, and battery operated devices illegal in six states. I would personally like to thank the three generous Latina ladies who helped me pull off the “Lotus Spinning While Riding Nandi to Brahmaputra” manuever, or whatever the hell that thing was. That shit was loco!. I am now forever a convert to culo caliente, and plan to spend my leisure time rutting my way through the Hispanic Students Association con aficion, bitches. (See? That AP Spanish credit was for real, Myles Brand. Holla at ya nino.)
Huevos Rancheros for me for the next three years, y’all.
(If you have any questions for my prostate, it is on vacation, having just run its own version of the NFL combine. It should be back on Friday to address your inquiries. )
As warm as the welcome wagon has been, I would like to talk for a few minutes about a few things I intend to do while attending your university.
First, I promise to astonish you with my muscular development. My calves will jump out of my legs like electrified cornish game hens when I make the slightest movement. My biceps will flutter under my shirt as I stretch outside of study hall. Even my eyebrows will flex with a might your puny, mortal soul will flinch in envy and fear at. The little caveman in your brain is saying that back in the day, your children would be mine, I’d steal your cave, and your girl would be jocking mine on a sabretooth tigerskin rug fireside while you froze outside and waited for the jackals to finish you off. And you would be right.
Second, I promise to give nothing but the most lackadaisical of efforts to my classes. (more…)
Scott Kennedy from Scout.com shares it all-and at thirty minutes, we mean all-regarding signing day. We'll give it the Dikembe Mutombo warning: if you can handle its amazing length, you'll be sexed like never before in a recruiting analysis kind of way.
MP3 File
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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