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The headline bears repeating: any story involving "Memphis" and "10 Lb Bag of Marijuana" is going straight to the top of the site. This represents a matter of both personal experience and scientific fact forming opinion.

Meeting someone from Memphis, one should go ahead and congratulate them to making it to whatever ripe old age they are, since all residents of Memphis are liable to be eventually caught in the swirling vortex of graft, violence, and mayhem surrounding the city like a fetid puddle. Survival is no guarantee.

If they do live, they will surely either wear an eyepatch, walk with a pegleg, or emerge drastically changed, perhaps sporting a jailhouse tear tattooed beneath their eye and insisting on being called "Red" or "T-Nutz" afterwards. Point being: Memphis is mad sketchy and we know this to be biblical truth.

Science backs us up on our anecdotal evidence, as well. Don't believe us? Well, Mr. Chart says suck it, since Memphis has been scientifically proven to be synonymous with "mad sketchy." Never, ever argue with Microsoft Paint:

Our premise irrevocably proven, we move on to the actual sketchy Memphis story.

FACT [/schrute]: University of Memphis football player Maurice Jones has been suspended from the Tigers' football team for misdemeanor weed possession. (No one smokes pot in Memphis, right? It's weed, lawya.) This arrest comes in connection with the concurrent arrest of two former University of Memphis football players in a theft ring, which is the part of the story we'll rely on really interesting message board innuendo for, and will hold off on for now. Jones suspended, weed possessed, one Fulmer Cup point makes Memphis rust and sag with pride as they enter the college football offseason's Felonious 500.

With the facts out of the way, let's go by the really reliable, interesting stuff: message board innuendo about the case. Again: we spray a whole tub full of ALLEGED ALLEGED ALLEGED solution all over this whole thing. Consult the chart, however, to see if any of this would be surprising.

All excerpted from Inside Tennessee, with our comments in between. Feel free to play "Whoop That Trick" to set the mood.

Evidently the U of Memphis bb players, who live in an exclusive U of Memphis apt, 9 BRs, had 10 50" plasmas. The two Memphis football players broke into their apts, from the rear, lower level, while the team was gone to Hawaii. Playstations, tvs, money, and clothes, yes clothes, were stolen. They, Slim and Prat, kept 2 50 ' Plasmas but sold all the other items.

Whoa. Ten plasma televisions costs more than three dollars and fifty cents, the approximate amount of actual cash benefit an athlete may receive. Then again, perhaps it's standard with the apartment. Note that this apartment--NINE BEDROOMS?--seems more standard than others. (cough allegedly cough)

Pat, (Patrick Elkins, as ID'd in the C-A article)the wealthy white soccer player, whose father is a wealthy dentist, lived in a nice home by himself. One of the fb players got the other one to pick Pat up and while Pat was gone, stole all his valuable items. A female U of Memphis athlete told Pat about Prat and Slim having a 50 " plasma, the other one was hid in the closet. Pat put two and two together. Pat's dad put a private detective on the fb players. Pratt sold some marijuana to one of the undercover guys. Pat's dad then went to the Feds, (yes, the Feds, that's what I was told).

Private detectives on speed dial for a dentist? Again, consult the chart.

In the meantime, Pratt and Slim drove to Houston, 18 hours round trip in one day, and with $3,000 purchased the 10 lb bag of marijuana. When I inquired as to how they could make money off of that high a price paid, I was told that here in Memphis you could get $1,500 for a pound(not an ounce), thus you do the arithmetic. Evidently marijuana is a lot cheaper in Houston.

Good to know. It's amazing what freight costs do to everyday goods these days. If only UPS could get in on this. What can brown do for you? Ride dirty, evidently.

The Memphis basketball players DID NOT report all their items stolen because all these plasmas, clothes, etc had been provided by good local alumni and boosters. Their stolen items were replaced by the boosters. Thus, NO police report.

Again, alleged. But any athletic program where the phrase "NO police report" gets mentioned instantly upgrades itself to Erickson/Switzer Class.

After the dentist got enough evidence, he turned it in to the Feds. Prat and Slim's phone had been tapped. Prat on Tuesday changed his cell phone number so the Feds, some 50, raided Pratt and Slim's apt Wednesday PM at approv 5. Maurice Jones, Memphis wr, was there with blunts, going to smoke a joint, when the door was busted down. With guns drawn, pointed at Slim and MO, they looked around with Mo and Slim praying that they NOT look into the closet. They did. The 10 pounds of marijuana fell out; scales were there. Prat and MO were taken to jail. Since Mo was just going to smoke, he was charged with a misdemeanor and released. Pratt gave himself up and is now in jail with Slim. In the meantime, the basketball players told friends they were going to kill the individuals who stole from them if they could find them.

Again, consult the chart for a reference to where this happened. However, if you found out that your school, whomever may hold the keys to your fanatical heart, was engaged in this, would you blink? And worse yet, if you found out that ex-football players were running weed up from Houston, would you be surprised?

Or better still, would you ask them for their pager number while you're at it? We want to talk to them function. Yes. An alumni. Function.

Alumni services?