Peter from Burnt Orange Nation has a tendency to get off topic when he talks to us. Or vice versa. We're really not sure which one comes first. At any rate, our first exchange about the USC/UCLA game was so much fun we decided to morph it into a semi-regular feature.
Since the first one ended up with Pete Carroll riding a golden unicycle, we're dubbing the discussions "The Golden Unicycle Diaries." We cover the early bowl season today in two parts. Stick around for part two: it will feature a stunning photoshop of someone very special riding a golf cart into a volcano.
Peter Bean: howdy
Orson Swindle: hola
PB: was looking for you on yahoo
OS: At gym.
OS:Vainly trying to work off blogger weight.
PB: Our physical appearance is important. People look up to us.
OS: Only if they're laying on the floor. Bloggers love them some couch.
Bloggers: gym rats, if by gym you mean "pizzeria."
PB: So how far into the bowl season you wanna go here?
OS: Lemme pull up the schedule, here.
PB: By the way, the most remarkable thing I've seen in ages was brought o my attention today. And it involves your site.
OS: O RLY? (insert pic of that fucking owl.)
OS: Ah, 1406. The ESPN post. I don't even need to look it up.
PB: I remember that post just fine - was a dandy of a post. But I had -no- idea it was an ONGOING thread
OS: Yes sir. It's like the Himalaya. Still growing.
PB: Like Britney Spears really. Just keeps on giving.
OS: There's one rageaholic on there, Jeff.
PB: Jeff needs a therapist. And soon.
OS: He's got not shortage of rageahol. He's posted something like 8% of the comments. And there's well over a thousand comments at this point, I think.
PB: That was my reaction.
OS: I wrote that in 35 minutes. As fast as my fingers could fly. And Jeff's spent HOURS on it.
OS: It's really his, not mine.
PB: Too bad Jeff's name isn't linked to some wild blog or myspace page. I'd like to know more about him.
OS: He's got a chip in his head that broadcasts ESPN in one eye.
OS: And the Deuce in the other.
PB: Minority Report style.
OS: I think something broke him. Most likely Cold Pizza.
PB: That show never should have happened.
OS: Woody Paige made money with his face.
OS: ONLY IN AMERICA!
PB: Why the hell would anyone start their day that way? A douchebag, a know-nothing girl and Skip Bayless fighting Woody Paige? Really? For breakfast?
OS: There's a lot of people who want to die out there. They're just looking for avenues.
OS: Or like San Diegan Ron Burgundy after Jack Black boots his dog off the bridge. Segue segue segue...
PB: Hoho! There's a bowl we should discuss
OS: Poinsettia Bowl, lawya. Poinsettia.
PB: Garrett Wolfe looks like a midget porn star to me. Or a really bad character on MadTV
OS: He runs like Troy Davis did. All arms and legs in a ball extending no higher than four feet off the ground.
PB: He's a viable candidate for 'stache of the day, too.
OS: Was this where BCS-busting TCU wanted to end up?
PB: Early this season, after beating Tech, TCU was talking about being the best team in the state of Texas.
OS: (Glorious "suck it" coming in 3..2...1...)
PB: So, no. The 'Horns nudged 'em out with our impressive Alamo Bowl invite.
OS: It is the classiest bowl, though.
PB: I can never tell the difference between a real and fake poinsettia. Makes me wonder why anyone bothers getting real ones.
OS: Eat 'em.The one that makes you violently ill is the real one.
PB: Violent diarrhea test. Should've thought of that.
OS: That was my next band name. Damn you for taking it.
PB: Speaking of which, we'll be discussing the New Mexico Bowl shortly.
OS: Wait---San Diego, I'm not through with you!!!!
PB: San Diego - except for the STDs - is effing terrific. So TCU can't be too upset.
OS: Northern Illinois' got to be flipping right now.
PB: Half the team won't get back on the plane. "Fuck this man. North? Illinois? Nuh-uh. I'm stayin'..."
OS: From the website: "Who wouldn't want to be in San Diego in December?" said NIU Head Coach Joe Novak. "It's a great city with great weather, and it's a great sports town. It's going to be a special treat because a lot of our kids haven't been there before and it will be something they'll remember for the rest of their lives.
OS: Hey Pete! Remember that time we got on a plane.
OS: And went to a warm place?
OS: And got a bag of mediocre swag.
PB: You're describing my junior year trip to Acapulco. It was, literally, a garbage bag of schwag. Blunts the size of baseball bats.
OS: The sponsor is San Diego Credit Union.
OS: You just know they're getting mousepads, pens, and stress balls with the SDCU logo on them.
OS: And crystal meth.
PB: A free checking account, ta boot!
OS: The next bowl is the most awkward to say: Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl.
PB: Okay, if my team isn't playing in a BCS Bowl, I want them to be in the Titties n Gambling bowl.
OS: There's so many better sponsors and names for this bowl.
PB: How does 'pure' wind up in a Las Vegas bowl name sponsor?
OS: Because Pioneer is a dick company.
OS: They not only wanted the corporate name--they wanted the product, too. Dick move.
PB: Not pure.
OS: I'm not out there trying to buy the EDSBS POST 1406 bowl.
PB: When you hit it big, O, I want you to purchase the [Name Redacted] bowl. Whatever it costs.
OS: (That would be FAMU versus Buffalo, btw, in a vacant lot in Port-au-Prince.)
OS: It's a done deal.
PB: How about FIU? With complimentary machetes. And Ned on crutches refereeing.
OS: What? Ned's my kicker. And he's golfing XPs through with the crutch.
A'Mod Ned of FIU: hero, and future star of the EDSBS Post 1406 Bowl.
OS: There is some obvious comic material with this bowl: Mormons in Las Vegas.
PB: Do you think it's an awkward conversation among the diehards?
PB: "You're going to the PureVision bowl, Ted?"
PB: "I'm not judging you, it's just..."
OS: "We're staying outside of the city, Bob."
OS: "Oh, you mean near the Bunny Ranch?"
PB: "Are you taking Karen or Martha?"
OS: You wonder if polygamists fantasize about onesomes.
PB: To therapist: "Sometimes I just wish Martha would die. I mean, not die. But.. okay, yeah. Die."
OS: This is a real coup for BYU...but Oregon? They can't be jacked about this. They may not even wear a vertigo-inducing uniform combo to the game.
PB: For once, the Vegas natives won't be the nastiest dressed folks in town.
OS: There is a list of events. But The Bunny Ranch Bowl Week "Sodomaniacs" competition is sadly absent.
PB: What a shame. I know the Coug fans were looking forward to that.
PB: And so was Rod Gilmore.
OS: And Spencer Tillman.
PB: I have a theory that Todd McShay was a fluffer before he joined the WWL.
OS: I have a theory that Trevor Matich is watching both of us right now and is not pleased.
OS: He's also holding a broadaxe
OS: But that's always true.
OS: There is the dead hooker carry on the 20th, though.
OS: So never fear--it'll have the Vegas Feel.
PB: Hopefully a running diary from Billy Simmons, too. Because they're each so different.
OS: Actually, him getting Roy Horned would be the best ending to his carreer.
OS: "Then the Dooce came over and AOOOGGGGHHH!!!!" (chomp chomp ROAAWWWAARR.)
PB: (pausing to crack up)
OS: New Orleans Bowl. They're doing a heckuva job, there.
PB: Sponsored by a trucking company?
OS: You're fucking right.
PB: How odd is that?
OS: I grew up with Convoy. Never speak ill of the lonely ghost riders of the blacktop.
PB: Bekins jacked a whole truckload of my parents' stuff when I was eight. So I -am- technically in the market for a trucking company I can trust.
OS: It's an emotional issue, really.
OS: Rice, Trojans---both necessities in New Orleans.
PB: Two trojans, really.
PB: And Major Applewhite - 13 year old offensive coordinator! We Longhorns love this man.
OS: He did always look like a toddler. Unless he was standing next to Chris SImms.
OS: Then he looked like Billy Jack on cattle feed.
PB: Side story: Chris Simms arrived to Texas in a limousine and turtleneck. Endearing, really.
OS: Is he an honorary Clausen?
PB: Without a doubt. So is Eli Manning (shhhh... secret)
OS: Oh, two sad things about this forlorn bowl
OS: ESPN's running it.
PB: Do we get the token woman announcer for this one?
OS: Sean McDonough? No.
PB: Sadist assholes will probably relegate Ron Franklin to it.
OS: Two: this is the event calendar.
Events include...the game.
PB: I think there's more than meets the eye here.
PB: I'm thinking Girls Gone Wild on giant R+L trucks
PB: And how do you put that on an events calendar?
OS: "team reception."
OS: Actually, I thought you were going to mention the unkeyed, unexplained color coding on the calendar.
OS: Beige="partly voodoo, chance of murder in afternoons."
OS: Blue= "Slightly cursed."
PB: Pink="Girls Gone Wild Party"
PB: Dark Blue="Duck, the levees are breaking"
OS: Everything else is "Bare breasts, play washboard." This bowl depresses me.
OS: Agreed. At least they get the Sugar Bowl later.
OS: New Mexico Bowl.
OS: It's only value is to remind us how much more festive the Old Mexico bowl would be.
OS: All the knockoff roids and HGH you can handle.
PB: Oh man. Move the bowl to Juarez and giddy up.
OS: Unregulated fireworks!
PB: Pregame festivities sponsored by Conchita's 7 pm Donkey Show!"
OS: Bring the ninos.
OS: I propose a rule:
OS: You cannot attend a bowl with your team's name in it. New Mexico clearly has a semantic advantage over San Jose State in this game...The New Mexico Bowl.
PB: I'd rather watch Rice vs Troy, to be honest.
OS: Only point of interest, from the web site:
OS: "Albuquerque is also a center for tourism, attracting skiers, museum-goers, balloonists, and adventure-seekers of all kinds."
OS: Finally, a safe place for balloonists. (wipes tear)
PB: Now that I can see the BYU fans enjoying.
PB: Albuquerque is also the black market capital of the world for mescaline.
OS: Amateur balloonists, in other words.
OS: Forward! The Papa John's Bowl. Surrender now, arteries.
PB: Um, no. It's the Papajohns-dot-com bowl. Big difference
OS: Surrender now...um, eyeballs.
PB: That guy is the ultimate American dream, man.
PB: Just started a pizza place and went bonkers marketing it, got rich, franchised, etc.
OS: And now he's pushing ordering pizza through the website to further immobilize the obese American populace.
OS: "Can't...reach...phone...must click...order button..."
PB: He looks pretty slim and trim, too. No way in fucking hell he eats that greasy shit.
OS: He does, however, style his hair with it. Just a quick wipe across the scalp keeps it shiny all day.
OS: You know this is actually a great matchup, right?
PB: Pirates? Always.
OS: Pirates and Bulls.
OS: The testicular magnitude of the mascots alone merits a peek.
OS: It is, sadly though, a front: ESPN's running this one, too.
PB: If we ran ESPN we could let Mike Leach commentate.
OS: I'd let him call C-USA offenses from the booth.
OS: While commentating. Drunk. I'd also let him set his broadcast partner's coat on fire.
PB: I'd like to get him drunk and in the booth with Mike Patrick, who would try like hell to act into the game, while Leach is enjoying general buffoonery. "Shut up, Mike. Just shut up. The game sucks and you know it. You suck."
OS: It is an unfair world because we will not get to see that.
PB: Waves pirate stick at Patrick, who -freaks- out
OS: While he hits on Sean McDonough.
OS: "You're a cute little midget of a lady, you know that, right?"
PB: How easy and hilarious would a play of ESPN characters be?
OS: Who's writing the play?
PB: You, me, and Mike Leach
OS: Oh, then wayyyyy easy. We'd borrow a page from Falcon Crest.
OS: And kill the whole cast in a plane crash in the end.
OS: Berman as pilot.
PB: Simmons as lorenzo lamas
OS: "What's this lever do? WOOP!"
PB: Makes bowling sound as though he's Bettis hitting a hole
OS: Both of those Berman noises make the bombing elves start talking to me.
OS: "Burn, Orson. It all has to burn."
PB: You realize that, with this non sequitor, Jeff has a new thread to live on?
OS: You're welcome, Jeff.
OS: So this is another fake bowl. Processed. Done.
PB: Next up: the Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl. Do you think Brown and Root is catering?
OS: "Bowl cancelled due to e.coli outbreak." It does have the hardest name, though: THE ARMED FORCES BOWL.
PB: I do think Dick Cheney will make an appearance.
PB: Who does he root for, though? Both Oklahoma and Utah are solid red states.
OS: He stands on the side and waits for one to welcome him as a liberator.
PB: Do you think he'll declare victory for whoever's leading after the first quarter?
OS: Call the game. "Mission Accomplished, boys."
OS: Actually, the team he backs is fucked. They'll have to play with seven men and no pads.
PB: No armour?
OS: Why do you hate America?
PB: I've typed and deleted like ten jokes. Each out of line. Probably best to nod "yes sir" and move on.
We will do just that in Part Two around lunchtime.