clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

JARVIS MOSS DOES NOT RESPECT YOUR HEISMENS!

New, 20 comments

The sudden lull of the bowl season gap has freed us up to do more productive things with our time. Take a stroll amongst the fallen leaves; remember the real first name of our spouse; and finally get that festering thingy on our leg looked at. (Turns out it's called our "foot," and whatever it is it's got to come off pronto, according to our esteemed physician, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz.)

Another worthy activity: checking out Florida players' Facebook pages. Today's excerpt comes from Florida defensive end Jarvis Moss. A few facts about Jarvis Moss, first:

Fact: he is interested in girls.

Fact: someone named "Mimi" "tagged Jarvis in 11 photos," something not half as nasty as it sounds, actually.

Fact: Jarvis Moss was appointed "Troy Smith's Worst Nightmare" by an influential member of the
"~QUIT CRYING MICHIGAN...FLORIDA IS GOING TO DA SHIP!!!" group. Apparently this is not an elected office.

Fact: Troy Smith, Jarvis Moss apparently is not impressed with your "Heiseman."

Presented in unalterable SCREENCAPTUREVISION to prevent memory-holing by concerned Florida officials, we present Jarvis' Facebook page. Moss like HEISMENS! (HT: Lindsay.)

We highlight the best part of all below, hoping that this is some kind of backhanded spelling tribute to the classic In Living Color skit, "Men on Film."


MOSS LIKE HEISMENS!!!

Troy Smith im watchin you win you Heisman trophy! Washin your car!!! Goin to Outback!!! Playin' your PS3 in the Buckeye lockerroom!!! No, seriously, Jarvis Moss really is watching you do all of this through a night-vision telescoping lens from the bushes across the street. It's getting well beyond the excuse of "pre-game scouting" here. You might want to consider a restraining order or something.

Thanks to this we do now have a term for the Heisman winner who goes bust in their final game: a Heisemen. We need no man-law council to adopt this new piece of verbiage, so tell Burt Reynolds and Eddie Griffin to sit down and shut up.

(Hey, we loved the man in '81, but dammit, facelifts are not masculine, Burt, and yours looks like Jerry Jones' Joker work from a few years back. Grizzled and craggy is--just ask the Falconer, Jack Palance, or Howard Schnellenberger.)

For Moss's sake and ours, we really, really hope Troy Smith turns Heisemennish on January 8th.