clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:


New, 60 comments

Mom's gonna be calling me and wanting to get picked up, so I gotta nut up and tell her about the car and how me and my sweet nitrous kit put it into the side of a dumpster today. So before Mom makes Assfat Cacciatore out of my ass, let the Subcommandante tell you something: I might cry when I tell her. Not because I'm a pussy or anything like that--cause I'm not and I will so totally kick your ass, either in real life with a pool ball in a sock, or online in WoW as the powerful Druid Muck Fichigan of Clan Tressel. (Get it?)

I'm gonna cry 'cause this means I might have to take the nitrous kit off the Grand Am. That means no more street-racing dominance, no more anger sessions in the back parking lot of the Permits office, and reduced asskicking for me in general. And if Subcommandante has one mission in life, it's the same one THE Ohio State Buckeyes have: kicking ass 25/8, brah. I will definitely not be crying because I'm afraid of my Mom or anything like that, because I can totally outrun her anyway, since she gets winded eating a bag of chips.

Anyway, here's the things that it's okay to cry about:

1. When that Viking dies in The 13th Warrior. I have the Viking Prayer tattooed on my back, which didn't hurt because I trust in Odin. But you can cry because that guy is awesome and it sucks when that Neanderthal witch poisons him. Women, man.

2. Losing to Michigan, which WON'T EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

3. While watching this video of Woody Hayes kicking ass.

See ya next Thursday, people. Stay gay, Gaytors!

--Subcommandante Wayne