clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

ORANGE BOWL EXPLODES BCS!!!

New, 30 comments

New York, New York (AP)--

Just days after the BCS announced its intentions to put Florida in the national title game over Michigan, the BCS has also released its revised bowl announcements. The revisions come from a backlash from the bowls themselves, who drastically changed their own invitations after the Florida announcement.

"In light of the developments in the title game, we at the Orange Bowl believed we could field a more television-friendly matchup. Given the...um, logic behind the selection of teams for the championship game, we thought we'd maximize profits, as well," said Albert E. Dotson, Jr, Orange Bowl President, at a press conference on Thursday.


Bela Karolyi hopes to coach a perfect 10 in his first game as a football coach. More below.

The Orange Bowl was to be a matchup between Big East champs Louisville and ACC champs Wake Forest, a matchup most experts had dismal ratings expectations for; the matchup will now be the Michigan Wolverines versus the FedEx Olympic All-Stars, a collection of Olympic athletes who will be playing football for their respective charities. The team will be coached by Olympic gymnastics legend Bela Karolyi, who seemed excited by the opportunity.

"While I am concerned about the matchups along the offensive line, I believe our ragtag cast of bounding gymnasts, five-foot tall Bulgarian powerlifters, and biathletes will perform admirably against a tough, experienced squad like the Wolverines," said Karolyi. "I am particularly encouraged by the lack of adequate steroid testing, which I plan to exploit to the fullest."

The starting quarterback for the Olympic All-Stars will be Olympic gymnast Kerri Strug. "I'm very excited about this opportunity to show what real athletes we are," said Strug. "Coach Karolyi also picked be because he knows I can perform with broken bones." Strug will be joined by fan favorite Michael Johnson in the backfield at running back, along with Justin Gatilin at wide receiver and Italian slalom great Alberto Tomba at fullback.

"The Tomba, he is confused at this game," said the Italian legend, smoking a cigarette in between practice sessions. "Such violence, the hitting, the grunting of the grunty muscles, the smell of the feet and ass in the huddle. She really is disgusting. The Tomba, though, needs cash to flash, and in Miami the women of easy virtue love the style, the hair of the body, and the silky flamboyant shirts of the Tomba. Tomba fever grows like the weed here."

Another notable All-Star is Alexei Karelin, the 6'10", 286 lb. Russian wrestler who went undefeated for 12 years in international competition. "We are very happy he has decided to play," beamed Karolyi. "Considering that he has already killed three men in practice, including Bart Conner, God rest his soul." Karelin did not comment when asked about the alleged practice deaths, only pausing to crush a news van with his bare hands on the way to his afternoon feeding.


Karelin, who may have killed Bart Conner, practices his moves.

Lloyd Carr, attending a luncheon in Michigan, made a brief statement through a Michigan publicist:

"We're thrilled to play the in the game, and can only hope Urban Meyer doesn't whine his way into stealing this paycheck, too. In fact, I'm eating some rubber chicken right now, but Urban Meyer just walked up and complained about that, too, so now I'm just stuck with the salad and dessert courses while he's chowing down on my Kung Pao. So I guess we're lucky he's satisfied for the moment. Thank you, and kiss my white ass."

Given the precedent set, other bowl changes may follow.

--USC is rumored to be entertaining an offer to play the Victoria's Secret All-Stars in the Coliseum, a game where the early line from Vegas favors the Victoria's girls by three. Pete Carroll is reportedly "psyched, like a winner would be," according to his spokesperson.

--Notre Dame has allegedly made contacts with Notre Dame about scheduling what it calls "Equals at Last," an intrasquad match between the Irish and Irish. NBC marketeers are rumored to be pitching the game as "a fitting matchup between Notre Dame and their only equals...themselves." Vegas currently has Irish losing by three.

--Cast out by the Orange Bowl, Bobby Petrino has accepted a bid to play an exhibition game against the Chinese Forced Labor Collective Team in Beijing, China. This comes against the wishes of Amnesty International and several other human rights organizations, who fear that the game will be nothing more than an excuse for the Chinese government to harm and potentially kill imprisoned Chinese dissidents through lopsided competition.

President Hu Jintao strenously denied this charge, saying that "International competition only makes us stronger. It is a glorious day for the People's Republic. Our prisoners will be treated with respect, and given water and gruel throughout the week leading up to the game. Football is a dangerous game, though--we can only hope no one is seriously hurt," Hu said, appearing to giggle for unknown reasons.

Petrino remained unapologetic. "We score points. It's what we do. You got a problem with that, tough. Weakened, near-death, beaten, we don't care. I mean, it's not like we scheduled Temple again. That would be cruelty."


It's not like they're playing Temple again.

--Ole Miss is rumored to have scheduled a man versus lion pride death match involving no one but Coach Ed Orgeron, but administration officials have remained mum. Said one anonymous source: "Ed might have been freelancing a bit for the money. I'm pretty sure he's done that before."