-Stanford accomplishes what Voldemort could not do, ends Harry Potter era, says Avada Kedavra! to Walt Harris. Hope they ditch the biohazard couch, too.
-Brian Kelly to Cincinnatti. MAC coaching corps again proving to be hell of a finishing school for larger conferences.
-Norm Chow is all over the place, including the persistent ASU rumors. (Though Pete Carroll’s pushing Sarkisian for the job, too.) We’ve given up trying to find out where he’s going. Speaking of complete and total mystery…
-When Finebaum says he’s clueless, you know the Alabama coaching search just entered a level of security clearance we can’t hope to crack. We need a double-O to get some intel, because it’s radio silence out of T-town right now.
10. Current BCS fiasco has created a previously impossible scenario: Michigan fans actively pulling for Ohio State. Coming soon: Hutus for Tutsis, matter colliding happily with antimatter, and dogs living with cats.
9. Outrageous and indefensible voting in human polls only further presses point of eliminating humans from the process altogether. Michigan again doubles funding for Robot Overlord Construction Program in hope of making BCS and weak, fleshy humans obsolete. Lloyd Carr’s brain wants a comfy jar in a robot.
It’s on the way, Lloyd. Weak, fleshy human voters…
8. Hypothetical contrasts highlight UM erudition in flattering way. Pissed-off, highly literate Michigan fans likely to only leave 10,000 word retorts in little read tweedy rags like The New Republic and The New York Times. Ohio State fans, if in same situation, would leave flaming bags of poo on Gator doorsteps.
7. Song Girls will cheer even when you score, Wolverines.
6. Michigan will escape discomfort of dumping Gary Danielson. He’s already, calling, texting, wanting to cuddle and shit…and we just hooked up one night, man. Like, giving us a rash already, dude.
5. PR move by SEC in scheduling to be countered in ‘07 with promotional spot airing immediately after SEC game. Spot will feature Michigan football team crushing rocks with bare hands, making deft catches of cute infants thrown from tall buildings by evil, mustachioed madmen, and disarming ticking bombs seconds before detonation. Soundtrack: Live To Win, by Paul Stanley.
4. Spared soul-wrenching second loss in a year to Buckeyes? (Too soon?)
3. Allowed to satisfy evil quotient for year by rooting against Pete Carroll, noted humanitarian.
2. Will thrill to Florida returning to the site of the program’s biggest, most humiliating, excruciating, and total loss ever, the 6227-24 loss to Nebraska in the 1996 Fiesta Bowl. Former Florida wideout Chris Doering is actually still stuck in the turf of the stadium, having been blocked into the ground by Michael Booker in the late third quarter of the fiasco. He serves as groundskeeping consultant and pens childrens’ books on his laptop under an umbrella the crew puts out for him somewhere around the 32 yard line.
Eyeballs…scorching…
And the number one reason Michigan fans should be happy they’re not in the national title game…
1. Michigan fans will be spared hallucinations caused by staring directly at Barry Alvarez’s tie, who will be calling the title game along with Thom Brennaman and Charles Smith in the booth. Will also be spared Brennaman’s “Troy Smith takes off…the ten…the five…SAFE! The ref says he’s SAFE!”
Part one is here. The recap picks up at halftime, where we’ve found out we’re going to the national title game if we can hold on to a 17-7 lead.
-Arkansas’ band-no lie-honors the game with a Zorro-themed show. The fact that Zorro is a large part of the Arkansas popular imagination makes us laugh even as we’re typing this. The glittery sashes on the unis don’t help the overall Branson, Missouri feel to the band show.
Arkansas loves Zorro. Somehow, we knew that.
-The Dr. Pepper guy gets somewhere in here and sinks six out of ten. He’s some poor guy form Lousiana whose house had a tree fall on it during Hurricane Rita. He’s cruising on underdog goodwill until he foolishly announces to the crowd that he’s an LSU fan, and “GEAUX TIGERS!” over the PA system. 80,000 people simultaneously turn on him, and he leaves the field to a shower of tomatoes, old boots, and seat covers.* Again, the Dr. Pepper Challenge proves to be more entertaining than it should be, especially when someone in the section muses out loud about Reggie Ball’s chances in the game. We’re guessing the totals would match his Arena League signing bonus.
-Third quarter begins, and with a disastrous first series: Leak lasers a pick into double coverage, completely missing both the preying eyes of the DB and the linebacker standing in the middle of the field waiting to concuss poor Harvin on the play. Is he wearing the Evil Chris goatee? That’s when evil Chris usually surfaces: in the third quarter, once he’s bound and gagged Good Chris and put him in an equipment locker during halftime.
-McFadden lines up at qb and throws a beautiful, clinical rope to Felix Jones for a TD off the short field. It’s 17-14, and the third quarter malaise is creeping up in a nauseating replay of the Auburn game. A team that’s done next to nothing against Florida is edging in via braindead mistakes and turnovers by the offense, and we’re pinned in the end again.
-AggroGator goes bonkers after the Leak pick and whips his hat to the ground a la Spurrier. A loud “fffAPPP!!!” sounds to our left, and the savvy, fiftyish guy we’ve been trading brilliant, unscripted analysis with for the whole game is holding his right eye. (more…)
The following recap of mostly true events is brought to you by Hooters on Peachtree. Hooters: the preferred hangout of all ticket agents drowning their sorrows because Arkansas and Florida don’t travel to the Georgia Dome.
-First, there’s pregame, where we watch Reggie Ball in the ACC Championship Game. We say Reggie Ball and not Georgia Tech because no one else really mattered in the equation. Against a Wake team who took four quarters to score nine points,
