AP--COLUMBUS, OHIO. At the request of the governor of Ohio, UN Peacekeepers entered Columbus, Ohio today to attempt to restore order.
The French, Bangladeshi, and Bulgarian troops will enter an environment that has descended into absolute anarchy in the span of a week. What began as a conflict between rival Ohio State fan factions preparing for the game has grown into a chaotic free-for-all involving Nepali Maoists, a militia led by Ohio State coach Jim Tressel (who has been calling himself "the Colonel",) a West African mercenary army employed by former Liberian president Charles Taylor, and a small but disciplined corps of Michigan fans who have entered town and taken control of local Starbucks' and high-end retailers.
Information is sketchy, but several key changes have occurred over the past 72 hours.
--The West African faction, initially a formidable presence based out of several local discotheques, has dwindled as their discipline waned and many mercenaries broke ranks. "It appears we partied very late into the night," says one soldier who spoke to EDSBS on conditions of anonymity, "and this sapped us of our strength completely. Though I should mention that Femi Kuti put on a most ferocious show for us, which also unfortunately bankrupted the war fund quite quickly."
Femi Kuti: his irresistable Afro-funk bankrupted the West African insurgency in Columbus.
"Also, there are no diamonds to fund our efforts here, though someone said there would be," said the soldier, arching an eyebrow toward the solid gold Rolls Royce that allegedly contained Taylor. "We could not even tempt the local teens here with methamphetamine and guns, since they already litter the streets like the leaves of your beautiful autumn."
The soldier added that many planned on attempting to enroll at Ohio State and stay in the United States on a F-1 visa. "My men are running wind sprints as we speak to try out for your football team," he said, adding that locals told him having no prior education was no obstacle to playing Division-1 football. "If there is one thing this looting and pillaging of your city has taught me, it is that this is the most lootable and pillageable country in the world. For that I thank God."
--Subcommandante Wayne has emerged as a key figure in the struggle. The "SW", as he's referred to by his followers, has claimed control over a wide swath of Columbus, and has built his power base by taking over several key liquor warehouses and breweries. He now makes semi-hourly broadcasts over local television frequencies; many are speeches, but others have baffled UzBuckistan-watchers, including several broadcasts that appear to show Subcommandante Wayne playing the wildly popular video game "Guitar Hero 2." (Wayne, who has not shown his face yet to the world, is pictured below in wig and luchadore mask.)
Subcommandante gave a brief interview to EDSBS this a.m.:
"Our resources are vast--indeed, as vast as this liquor warehouse and the several groceries stores appropriated by the great will of the people of UzBuckistan. We plan on taking over all we see until the Blue Menace is eradicated at last and we may begin again repopulating the Northern Territories with pure Buckeye blood. The people of UzBuckistan until our feet trample the fetid shores of Kentucky and our head bristles against the sallow, flabby belly of Canada."
"This is the will of the people of UzBuckistan! Also, that Comcast would please restore cable service to East Columbus. Missing tonight's Grey's Anatomy is not part of our five-year plan, and would greatly displease the mother of our dear nation, Mrs. Subcommandante Wayne. She finds the site of Patrick Dempsey almost as pleasing as the sight of Chad Henne peeing himself in fear at the sight our our mighty People's Republic! Plus the Sandra Oh pleases us despite being a bit horsey-looking..."
The Subcommandante requests death of Michigan. And cable, please.