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GOLDEN PARACHUTE, TALLAHASSEE EDITION.

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Oh, the heartbreak of spectacular failure at the highest levels of college football. We would mean that if the vile nepotism behind the FSU/Jeff Bowden debacle had ended with a simple resignation letter and Jeff Bowden scanning the want ads. Its pulse, however, beats on even as Jeff whiles away the rest of his days as OC playing Golden Tee in the coaches' offices and calling investors to inquire about those exciting KFC franchise opportunities he's heard so much about. (Clue, Jeff: take no investment tips from your brother.)

From CNNSI.com:

The school's boosters will pay $537,000 as part of a deal leading to Bowden's decision Tuesday to leave. The resignation takes effect Nov. 26, a day after the season finale against Florida.

The settlement was revealed Wednesday when the school released a copy of the agreement Bowden's attorneys reached with the university and its boosters.

Bowden -- youngest son of head coach Bobby Bowden -- retains his present $141,000 salary until his present contract expires next August. He then will receive annual payments of $107,500 until August 2012.

...for sitting on his ass and having the last name 'Bowden.' Everyone has their price, though. We understand that [NAME REDACTED] still has his free Applebees' Gator account card, and racks up riblets like you wouldn't believe on Jeremy Foley's tab in Champaign-Urbana. Hey, you think Arrelious Benn committed just for the opportunity to play immediately and the fun of doing bench press challenges with his coach? No way. Sweet riblets brought him to Illini, and we will hear nothing else.*


The power of Riblets: never underestimate it.

*Like [NAME REDACTED]...well, doing everything imaginable to get Benn on the team. The rumors are so ridiculous we almost have to believe them, but then we get that icky feeling we always get when discussing the dirty business of recruiting.

**More fun from the Trib article on Benn: ""It's a no-brainer," he told the Washington Post. "They're only a couple of players away from turning the corner. They're playing a lot of young guys and throwing the ball a lot." You have to do that when you're behind. In every game. Oh, how we hate that man. Time is the fire in which we burn, and we spent three long years on a dismal slow roast with the guy who'll forever be "only a couple of players away."