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BUYS: LIBERALLY INTERPRETED EDITION

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This week's edition of Buys and Sells comes after...well, after a zillion month absence. Hey! You want consistency, go buy stocks in death, taxes, and Waffle House. Otherwise, enjoy the latest edition of the sporadically updated Swindle Montana Investment prospectus, broken up into three different pieces to allow for expansion, digression, and the sad lack of a copy editor we can't kill.

Buys:

Colt McCoy. We choose him over the team, mostly because when you look up passing efficiency only pitching machine Colt Brennan (whose parents also watched Falcon Crest and The Fall Guy) ranks higher than Colt McCoy in the nation right now. We'd also like to congratulate both kids for being born boys and avoiding the curse of being named Alexis Carrington McCoy/Brennan.

McCoy's been composed, savvy, fast, and to this point is actually statistically ahead of where Vince Young was at this point last year. He's going to set the record for touchdowns thrown at Texas in his first year as a starter. We normally rely on hyperbole, reference, and neologism to say what a badass someone has been on the football field. The highest compliment we can give McCoy is that we can happily rely on facts and statistics to do that for us.

Oklahoma. Now that they don't have a white quarterback with brass door hinges for knees, this pick comes a little easier than it used to for us. (Never, ever, ever will we see a big game quarterback worse than Jason White in the clutch. Chris Rix, you are excused because shamefully you beat Florida, a memory which just caused us to spill coffee on our lap. Apache Chief says he can no longer...enlarge. Call Harvey!) Oklahoma remains content with simply winning games, improving their secondary play, and taking advantage of a quarterback who can run well and pass with mostly positive effects.

Thomas Decoud, and by proxy, Cal. Decoud is the special teamer who retarded Korey Bosworth (and possibly himself) on a block during Desean Jackson's punt return against UCLA. Stay down, Luke. Stay down.

Shame on a Bruin! Cal is a good example of the dangers of secondhand fire right now; touch them, and you, too, may be consumed in the blaze. The asswhipping at Tennessee galvanized them rather than splintered them; since then they've done little but wake up, kick ass, review the carefully organized spreadsheet of names they took during the asskicking (this is Cal, right?) and enjoy the hard-earned sleep of gladiators. If they do not beat USC this year, it will never happen for another thousand cursed years.

Ohio State. Professionals do not lose to [NAME REDACTED.] Cheatypants McSweatervest is a professional. Though OSU fans may be ripping out their hair this week wondering what the hell happened, we would as a longtime observer of all things [NAME REDACTED] like to congratulate the Buckeyes on their workmanlike waxing of Illinois. You may not have known it, but this was the most dangerous game of the year. It's all part of the [NAME REDACTED] plan, actually: recruit like a demon by lifting weights, water-skiing, and playing PS2 with the guys, convince them that the university will be like Fun Hour with an NFL contract at the end, do whatever it take to get them to believe this, and then lose most of your games while pulling out improbable victories when others least expect it.

You were that improbable victory, Ohio State. Didn't you get the memo from Illinois? He must have faxed it to you. He's known for his work with fax machines.

Kentucky and Miss State. By god, Kentucky and Miss State. Cave-chested abused dorklings of the world, unite! If not for Vanderbilt's special teams unit yielding not one but two blocked punts on the day, the three puny weaklings of the SEC would have completed an unprecedented day of upsets in the SEC. (Florida fans, take solace in the fact that the game was actually not as close as it was last year. This is either an indicator of the fine work Bobby Johnson is doing at Vandy, or a sign of the impending apocalypse. Take the former.)

Call the dual shockers a testament to patience: both coaches could easily have been canned if the whimsy and fantasy of eager boosters and ADD blogger-types (ahem) were indulged. Most people were astonished to find out this offseason that Brooks was a.) still alive, and b.) still kept his job at Lexington after three years of misery and impressive profanity. Check in the clip for evil, menacing Orgeron giggle.

We struggle to even type this without laughing, but Kentucky's improved play across the margins must be credited to the improved play of the Wildcats's Andre Woolfolk Woodson, who's distributed the ball with pinpoint accuracy to UK's underrated wideouts and backs. His coach? The e'er-maligned Randy Sanders, who may have just found his niche as a mentor of qbs who's not given the total latitude to outingenious himself as an offensive coordinator.

Miss State, on the other hand, found the perfect opponent on the perfect day: Alabama, a team that like Miss State seeks to "reduce mistakes by taking as few chances as possible at all times." Rephrased in the local vernacular, that means "brokedick offense, y'all." In a game where the strategy for both teams was NOT making mistakes, the offense that settled for field goals was going to lose. Mike Shula, paging Mike Shula...

The lame comparison would be the [NAME REDACTED] firing sparked by Croom--that won't happen, since Shula's done a good job, recruited well, and been so bland that hitting him with the nastiest of criticisms has been difficult. Another year of meh would have to follow to place an UA alum with a shiny family name, a ten-win season, and no other obvious brand name coaching candidates out there in real jeopardy of losing his job.

The Crimson-White, however, may wish to print a correction.

Wake Forest. The Jim Grobe farewell tour begins now. The single greatest season in Wake Forest history. There's a long list of sayings that compare to this:

--"The cleanest toilet in Guizhou province"

--"The richest man in Laos"

--"The smartest Irish setter I've ever met"

Wake beats the unpredictable Boston College Eagles 21-14, sending mancrushed Matt Ryan to defeat despite a 400 yard passing performance. Wake has Florida State, Maryland, and Virginia Tech still on the docket. They won't win them all, but they could by probability certainly win one, by luck win two, and by the alignment of certain planets and some very powerful santeria spells win all three. They're currently en route to the championship in Jacksonville; we're rooting like hell for them, and not just because of the awesome name of their WR fake in the run game, the "orbit sweep." See? Their run game's like something Werner Von Braun would invent....


He aims for the stars! And sometimes he hits London...

Buys: Mike Tranghese. For the second straight week, the marquee game in all the land will be a Big East Matchup. Louisville/Rutgers will be the game of the week. Say that three times, and the Candyman will come and take you home--you might have thought that before the season.

When we were making Cs in Economics, though, we did actually learn a few things though. Harry Truman always wanted a one-armed economist, since they were forever telling him "well, on the other hand" whenever he was about to hear unequivocal good news. The Big East lost Miami and Virginia Tech to the ACC; they gained the ability to compete on the national stage in a different manner, though. Teams that formerly had to chalk two losses on their schedule suddenly found themselves bowl-eligible sitting at game one, the conference was able to add teams that expanded the recruiting base, and the Big East could shop around and add teams it saw as promising prospects on the national scene.

Mike Tranghese orchestrated much of this, and deserves his own special Laurel and Hardy handshake for his work. His revamping of the Big East just shows that the old saying is true: when life gives you lemons, throw them at someone until you concuss them. Then steal their wallet and buy a Corvette with a pussy magnet on their credit card.


Tranghese: looks like he could use a Corvette, actually.