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WE MUST IGNITE THIS COUCH! NO, REALLY.

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Stanford's fighting a depleted roster, a coach who isn't sure how to reach his players, and...their furniture's unholy alliance with microbes. A staph infection has felled three Stanford starters for significant stretches this season, and it seems a locker-room couch is to blame for the persistent infections.

"We did some things yesterday with the couch, and we're trying to coach (the players) up better -- what they should wear and when should they go sit on the couch," Harris said. "In other words, you don't want to be coming in from practice and go plop on the couch when you're all sweaty."

At last: West Virginians are found to be not riotous hillbillies destroying property for sheer animal pleasure, but conscientious public health advocates setting an good example for the rest of the country. Tightwad Hill's headline is still the best on this, though: "STANFORD A 3 POINT UNDERDOG TO STAPHYLOCOCCUS."


Tree needs antibiotics. Now.