Yesterday we displayed our fair and balanced side by listing ten reasons why Georgia owns Florida. We did this since, due to something called "warrants," we reside in Atlanta, the only reason one might conceivably move to Georgia. (But what about Tifton, you say? It's the reading capital OF THE WORLD!!! If Ricky the Reader is wandering the streets, we don't care if Tifton's handing out gold ingots to new residents: we're not going near that thing.)
Forcing children to read through FEAR: Ricky Reader, the reading mascot of Tifton, GA.
Despite that, we're supposed to hate the University of Georgia, which is hard to do because they've been fetching us, the University of Florida fanbase, cold beverages and fresh appetizers for the better part of 16 years. (Paul--more chicken fingers, please!) A 14-2 run may have dulled the edge on this rivalry, but we're certain we can strike up enough animus to come up with more than a few reasons why Florida owns Georgia.
10. Last sixteen matchups: 14-2. No one cares about history, because history is old, and old is gross and not hot. Like men with bowl cuts in red pants, say.
9. Florida players drive on valid licenses, and rarely fall asleep drunk on the toilet. Even when we fire automatic weaponry in public, we're careful never to hit anyone.
8. No one ever ran around their neighborhood on big wheels trying to be the guys from "Augusta Vice."
Don't lie. You still want to touch the conga girl.
7. Not only does our football team possess larger junk than yours: even our state capital has a huge penis. Or is a huge penis. We're really not sure, but even then we bet that the capital building has its own dick. Look at it, and all that...majesty.
Subtle. Floridian. And unmistakably bait and tackle.
6. Georgia may have Gone With The Wind, but Florida has Carl Hiaasen. Take that, Margaret Mitchell! Look both ways before crossing the street, honey!
Totally kicks the ass of how a white woman with no morals and a hot ass somehow prevailed in postwar Atlanta.
5. Florida's main cause of death: stabbed by escaped, knife-holding felon thrown clear from the flatbed of a truck and through your windshield during hurricane evacuation. Did we mention you were drunk, too? Georgia's? Cardiac arrest caused by onion ring lodged in aorta.
Advantage: Florida. At least it's exciting...
4. Florida: Haitians love us! You don't see people piled into bathtubs paddling to Savannah, do you? Tous les amis savez where the party at.
Florida: Haitians wanna get in da club, too.
3. Florida is the only state to swindle the Walt Disney Company, forcing them to contruct a billion dollar theme park built specifically for the purpose of giving high-schoolers on graduation night a truly awesome place to drop acid at.
They're all looking at me. THEY'RE LOOKING RIGHT THROUGH ME AAAIIIGGGHHH!!!
2. Without Florida, Georgians would have nowhere to go to do all the things their minister tells them not to do in Georgia.
1. To sum up what you should be expecting for the rest of history, Georgia fans:
'Always, at every moment, there will be the thrill of victory, the sensation of trampling on an enemy who is helpless. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face -- for ever.'*
For your purposes, just put one of those little UGA head tattoos on the cheek of the aforementioned face.
* If you are from Tifton, you will have read this book, and need no reference. If you aren't, we'll help you out: the quote comes from chapter three of Starr Jones' Shine : A Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Journey to Finding Love.