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WEEKEND REVIEW ONE: WWTHD?

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The quick shots on the weekend as delivered to you by our wobbly barkeep:

--Impending mancrush alert: we love Jorvorskie Lane, and can't tell him. Mainly because we're over here behind the bushes being too damn scared to look directly at him. Craig "Ironhead" Heyward vibes radiate off the 5'11", 265 pound on a day when he hasn't eaten his weight in shrimp cocktail running back. He displayed enough raw manhood to clear the fog of skullduggery surrounding smarmy fading genius Franchione, running brutal yards against Missouri for 28 carries, 127 yards, and one thundering touchdown. Guard the buffets of College Station, and Lane can already begin shopping for real estate in Pittsburgh, where Bill Cowher is already jonesing for someone to satisfy his fat running back fetish.


Lane: only threatened by injury and Chinese impotence cures.

--Terry Hoeppner continues to say "tumor, schtumor" by coaching through brain surgery and making Indiana the must-watch ticker shocker of your early Saturday college football viewing. Indiana all but cements poll darling Iowa's exit from the top 25 by defeating them 31-28 and then celebrating like they haven't been there before. This is totally acceptable because they haven't, and can by rule ham it up as they please after kicking Iowa's corn-fed ass.

Players weren't just in the first row in the post-game celebration--they were whole sections up into the stands, swimming in a sea of back-patting red sweatshirts. Hoeppner seemed beyond joy. Next time you think about calling into work sick, ask yourself: do I have a tumor? If the answer is no, then go, because that's what Terry Hoeppner would do. If the answer is yes, get it removed and show up to work a week later at the latest with the staples still in your head, because that's what Terry Hoeppner would do.

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."

--Myles couldn't address questions surrounding an ongoing investigation,

but Josh at the Double-A Zone did get him to at least discuss the procedures that will be followed in the Reggie Bush inquiry.

--We didn't see the Michigan--Penn State game, but Brian did, and what he saw was not pretty for Penn State:

Michigan has still not been threatened this year. No opponent has moved the ball except when fortunate or permitted to. Its dominance is unquestioned by the foes it leaves battered in its wake. Sometimes -- and I know this is hard to believe -- seven points is a very large lead indeed.

Black Shoe Diaries concurs:

The Michigan defense is friggin' good. Clearly the best we've seen all year. It's easy to see how they put the BEAT DOWN on Notre Dame. If I were a Buckeye, I would be worried.

--Our viewing of the Vanderbilt/Georgia game was efficient viewing. It consisted of this:

1. Sit down, enjoy 5 dollar double tall vodka tonic. (Viva Auburn drink prices!)

2. Watch Vanderbilt kick winning field goal.

3. Verify that drink was not spiked with hallucinogen, and then ask if drink number two could be.

Losing to Vanderbilt can derange even the most even-keeled of fans, but Georgia fans may take solace in that they were simply the victim of a trend: Vanderbilt is no longer the designated purple-nurple-taker of the SEC, having taken Florida to the wire last year in Gainesville, beating Tennessee in Knoxville in '06, and nearly beating a misfiring Alabama team this year. (Is typing "misfiring Alabama team" redundant with Shula as coach? We think so.) Georgia just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when Vandy crossed the border from being "a respectable scrapper" to "a respectable mid-size sedan" team.

Bobby Johnson has found his special purpose: coaching Vandy to respectability.

The kiddie table now hosts the entire state of Mississippi and sometimes Kentucky, but nevertheless Georgia fans are resorting to desperate measures. Kyle's quoting Elizabeth Kubler-Ross; Kanu's referencing The Jerk. Paul's just plain resigned. We advise all of them to review game tape of their October 28th opponent to cheer up, since their defense is apparently baffled by passes into the flats and their qb cannot make effective passes if "there's people running at me and yelling and stuff."

Richt, though, denies rebuilding. We're also totally not addicted to Project Runway. Not. At. All.