Fanblogs has been cranking up a bit lately, and hoo-ray for that. They fire off a pithy reminder to the guy who flew the "FIRE COKER" banners over the stadium:
The Palm Beach Post notes that Coker isn't the first UM coach to be the target of an air raid: Canes boosters flew a banner blasting former Miami coach Butch Davis in 1997 ("From national champs to national chumps Thanks Butch.")
Even Cleveland fans don't do that, and they had every right to do that with Davis' professional work. Canny historical reminders aside, they're right: Coker's taken what was a great team and bumped them down to good, mostly through crap offensive recruiting, it seems. So how does a classy fan decide to jump ship without being so gauche as to fly a banner during the game advocating the coach's firing? Which, we would like to go on the record as saying, is totally not what a classy Florida fan would do at all.
How to do it without being a total and complete banner-flying assface, according to celebrity experts:
--Begin an open and honest dialogue with the person, explaining that while they may not have been successful in this endeavor, they'll surely take the lessons of this experience and apply them in their next successful venture. If they're feeling down, give them one of my tasty energy bars or diet shakes. Then while he's feeling vulnerable, grope him inappropriately. It's low-hanging fruit, friend, but unlike those pesky secretaries, they never complain afterwards.
John Edwards, Psychic
--I'm sensing something here. Did you used to know someone named....Dennis? Who held the same job? Yes, he advises that you hold on for dear life, since you never, ever want to coach in Idaho...He says that's a bad thing...wait! I'm hearing another voice...someone named...Butch. He says not to buy any green bananas, because if there's only one jelly roll on the table that you're gonna be the one with the fork in your hand at the end of it all. Wait...one final voice...someone named...Howard...he sounds as if he's been drinking...wait, actually, that is actually someone. He's on our lawn in a seersucker suit, and it looks as if he's been in a barfight. He's telling me that you're totally fired, and asking for scotch and some Bactine, if you have any.
Mary Woodson, former girlfriend of Al Green
-Tell that motherfucker to get his sorry ass out of your life right quick. Then pour boiling hot grits on that motherfucker 'till he sizzles like fatback. I don't recommend shooting yourself immediately afterwards.
--Make sweet, sweet love to her. Tell her that touching her body is like stroking a woman made from platinum on a bed made with golden-threaded sheets in front of millions of wealthy people. Purchase goods for her of extraordinary wealth, and then make love to her again after a dinner of expensive lobster and the best steak wealth can purchase. Then dump her and tell her you're fired just like I do on my very expensive and successful television show, The Apprentice, which is watched by millions of wealthy people each week.
Wait, we're talking about a guy here? Well, do the same, but don't film the whole thing this time.
Kevin White, Notre Dame Athletic Director.
---Is the employee in question...black? Wait, no comment...
Stephen A. Smith
--STEPHON MARBURY IS THE GREATEST POINT GUARD IN THE NBA! STARBURY GONNA SHAKE RACKS NOW THAT BUSTED ASS LARRY BROWN AND HIS WEAK URETHRA ARE GONE! EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT! WEAK URETHRA!
Jeremy Foley, athletic director, University of Florida.
--See if Mississippi State has an open spot on their schedule.
--Toss him in the departicleizer and feed him to my 10,000 hungry offspring so that they may taste how bitter failure is! And do not neglect to fill out the required HR paperwork, including formal termination notice and cessation of benefits. Morbo hates HR.