We will be tailgating in Gainesville bright and early tomorrow, and will give doughnuts to those who track us down. We promised to do this last time, but this time we mean it: stop by our camp chair, and we will give the first 24 people who show up a complimentary Krispy Kreme doughnut.

We’ll be tailgating around Anderson Hall and Library West, wherever we can plant a chair, a tent, and the pedestal for our traveling Danny Wuerffel Shrine (a total bitch to carry, but soooo worth it.) Chances are we’ll be well entrenched by 10:00 a.m. and drinking for two, so showing up early is advised and welcomed, especially if you want doughnut, amigos.

Bama fans and Florida fans alike are welcome. IM us on Yahoo! Messenger at harumphharumph at yahoo.com to get the exact location tomorrow. We’ll be the average-looking white guy with glasses and brown hair wearing an EDSBS Burnin’ Couch Shirt, much like this one:

…which you may purchase by clicking on the picture. Commerce! The engine of nations, and inflater of beer funds.

It’s great to have a coach who speaks in the language of vandalism:

On Saturday, Meyer wants to give the Tide a dose of what has been repeatedly and unanimously referenced by the college football media as “the most hostile environment in the nation.”

Coach Urban Meyer said, “It’s a call to arms. Let’s go break some windows in that building over there.”

Vocal cords? Check. Jorts? Check. Coyote spray? Not necessary, as we said before.

Enjoy the weekend to its fullest. BTW, we officially cannot get this song out of our head, so we’re infecting you all by linking it, but not without reason: the song’s full of vitamin-rich meaning:

And to those of you who mourn your lives through one day to the next
Well let them take you next!
Can’t you live and be thankful you’re here?
See - it could be you, tomorrow, next year.

Huzzah to that. We’ll see you Monday.

Florida and Alabama fans have a reputation for having a caustic dislike of each other. In fact,
nothing could be further from the truth. To demonstrate, Orson and Warren St. John, author of Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer and graduate of Columbia University, have decided to engage in and co-post a “dialog of mutual brotherly respect aimed at showing the Gator Nation, the Bama Nation and all you other suckers exactly how sportsmanlike these two esteemed fan bases really are. To wit:

Orson: First, we would like to extend a hand of friendship to the Alabama fanbase and welcome them to Gainesville this weekend, one of America’s best towns to live in and a paragon of civility, organization, and decency. We hope that you enjoy all of the amenities of our fair town:its streets, clean and free of the packs of rabid coyotes that control much of Tuscaloosa; itsbeautiful public gathering places, unusual because one can walk safely through them without being assaulted by rabid coyotes; and most of all, our beautiful campus, so coyote-free and pristine that the possibility of being assaulted by a rabid coyote while crossing its green lawns would provoke titters of laughter from its students. We welcome you, and remind you that the wearing of body armor to protect yourself against coyotes is so unnecessary it’s absurd to even consider it.

Not an issue, Bama fans! Leave the coyote spray at home.

Warren: Thanks Orson. We are delighted to be visiting your fair city and appreciate the warmthwith which you greet us. I think I speak for all Alabama fans when I say that of all the college campuses designed to look like corporate office parks, Florida’s is among the most beautiful.

Orson: You’re too kind, Warren. After the Alabama faithful secure lodging for their oxen and bury their dead after the long, arduous trek from Alabama, what can we look forward to seeing in this colorful, dedicated fanbase?

Warren: Well as you know Orson, Alabama has won 12 National Championships, and something like 947 S.E.C. championships, so we’re a humble bunch. Consequently, we don’t feel any
compulsion to make cheap jokes about jorts or to bring up [NAME REDACTED]. In fact we don’t even need to win to enjoy ourselves. We plan simply to sit back and enjoy those Gator cheerleaders and then to pat our hosts on the back to say ‘game well played,’ whatever the outcome.

Orson: Warren, you’re actually selling yourself short! Alabama in fact has 27 national championships by their count, including the Tider Insider.com 2002 National Title and 116
Tuscaloosa County Crowns. It’s a program with much more distinguished history than ours, to be sure. Bear Bryant…Wallace Wade…Dennis Franchione. THE Dennis Franchione-it would be futile to try to compete with that. You were mentioned in a Steely Dan song, for pete’s sake. That’s heritage.

Warren: Thanks for correcting me. Without a calculator handy, it can indeed be difficult to accurately tally Alabama’s many championships. Florida fans probably have no ideawhat that’s like, having only had a football program since the late 1980s.

I bet life is so much simpler when you can count your team’s national championships on one hand, even if that hand is a
lobster claw.

At any rate, Orson, I want to thank you for giving me a forum to express my respect for the Gators. And let me commend the sportsmanship of you and your fellow Florida fans. After all, what can be more sporting than letting the other guys win three times in a row!?

Orson: That is kind of us, isn’t it? It must be especially difficult to remember all those championships, indeed, especially since they were so long ago. WE must buy a calendar for you! We wish you the best in the game on Saturday.

We contributed our thoughts on Roll Bama Roll, so in return Todd answers our questions on Alabama. Enjoy:

1. I’ll just ask this one more time: why do Alabama fans make such a big deal about their old coach Ray “The Bear” Perkins? Was he that good? And why can’t you get over him?

The legendary Ray “The Bear” Perkins.

I think you might be confusing Perkins with Paul “Bear” Bryant, the legendary coach that preceded him. It’s an easy mistake to make considering Perkins earned the nickname “Bare” after it was discovered he suffered from a rare psychological disorder known as “Ray Perkins Syndrome” that forced him to completely undress before he could urinate. It was actually quite a coincidence that he suffered from it, since the name “Ray Perkins” was chosen
at random from a phonebook during the naming procees and people named “Ray Perkins” were rarely diagnosed. While he wasn’t half the coach of Bryant (literally, he measured only 3′1″), he is held in high esteem by a large portion of the population since he fathered roughly 87% of the male children born in this state between 1973 and 1996, myself included. We don’t think of him so much as “Coach” as we do “Dad.” He also fathered some 42% of the female children born in that time span, but refuses to acknowledge their legitimacy.

2. Do our eyes deceive us, or are you running a 3-3-5 these days? And if so, why the hell are you doing this?

There’s nothing wrong with your eyes, Alabama has been lining up in the 3-3-5 a lot since last season. The introduction of the 3-3-5 defense last season served two purposes: First, to take advantage of the talent and depth in the linebacking corp and secondary while compensating for the inexperience along the D-line and, second, as a means to defend against the ever popular spread offense. Most SEC defenses are designed to push plays towards the center of the field while the spread is meant to, well, spread the defense. Spurrier ran roughshod over the conference for a decade because of it, and with Auburn’s Al Borges and Sly Croom installing their variations of the West Coast Offense and Urban Meyer bringing his Spread Option, Kines went ahead and spread his defense out before the offense could. Further, it allows us to use a linebacker as a rush end and the fifth defensive back as a linebacker, sacrificing strength for overall speed and allowing his defenders to “run to the ball.” A nickel back might not be the best choice for run support, but he gets there quick and after he does there are three other guys right behind him to aid in the tackle. That’s why you tend to see about three crimson jerseys in on every stop instead of one guy making a big hit.

3. Does really, really liking “I Don’t Feel Like Dancing” by the Scissor Sisters make us gay? We though it was gay sex that made you gay, but we’ve been told that liking this song is just the same, at least in Alabama.

Does liking this make us gay? And is that Casey Clausen in the video, as our readers seem to suggest?

Being from Alabama, my only knowledge of and experience with the gay lifestyle comes from Will and Grace and Cinemax softcore lesbian porn. (more…)

In case you haven’t gotten the Coach O song Chris Vernon made the other day, well, CBKnox’s video won’t help matters much. It is fine work, though.

The Narrative dies a little each week-long live the Narrative! The best part about a system where 10 teams per conference compete for a single spot comes in the knowledge that while you may not win, your most hated opponent’s odds of winning remain steep and will likely explode in their face on national television.

This nearly happened as South Carolina almost beat Auburn 24-17, with only a clanking pair of traitorous hands keeping the Gamecocks from tying it up in the dying last seconds of the game. Brandon Cox was forced to convert 4th and 6 and 3rd and 21 in the third quarter to hold possession. The buzz line is that Auburn held the ball for the entire third quarter-astonishing, especially since Tuberville engineered the cock-free third quarter by going for an onside kick to get the ball back and eke out another Irons rushing touchdown.

Auburn: almost fumbled away the Narrative last night.

The pressure of a road game had Al Borges saying…strange…things: From John Solomon’s blog:

To say Auburn was relieved to prevail is an understatement. Al Borges spoke about “swallowing hard” if Tommy Tuberville hadn’t made two gutsy calls - then Borges acknowledged they were “swallowing hard” anyway at the end.

The general thought among Auburn fans we spoke with was that Auburn’s defense were the ones swallowing hard for most of the night, befuzzled by Spurrier’s going to a spread formation and passing at will despite Auburn dropping eight men into coverage. (This paragraph truncated in order to prevent embarrassing Spurrier man-love spewing across the page. There’s been quite enough of that.)

TCU lost last night, scrapping the TCU “BCS-buster” tag and the nation’s longest win streak simultaneously. If there’s a positive in all of this, it’s the fact that our campaign to get jets installed in TCU mascot’s eyes that spray red fluid may have just found some extra push, since we blame Super Frog’s inability to intimidate opinions for TCU’s loss. Thanks to Austin Murphy, we now know the red fluid is not blood, actually, but something even worse:

We’d spent the previous half hour killing time in the office of associate athletic director Scott Kull, who’d made several important points about the school’s distinctive mascot. “The horned frog — actually a spiny lizard — subsists on a diet of red ants.” It had long been believed that this creature was capable, when angered or frightened, of directing a four-foot stream of blood from its eyes. Kull tells me that’s not blood, but rather, pre-digested red ants.

An animal so filled with rage it vomits through its eyes. That is a mascot.

Kids, come say hi to SuperFrog…AIIIIGGGGHH GOD WHAT IS THIS!!!