dThe sketchiest of outlines for the Grand Unified Theory of College Football Season 2006, as of this Sunday morning:
--Florida, USC, West Virginia, and Louisville all had their lip-syncing TRL appearances for the year, sputtering about against Kentucky, Arizona, Eastern Carolina, and K-State, respectively. Watching Todd Blackledge pompom the genius of Rich Brooks for three hours may have been the most aggravating thing about the weekend, but Brooks did deserve some props for his team's Arena Football game plan and their overall refusal to get paved.
Dumb turnover fever helped the 'Cats case, too, with Chris Leak and Deshawn Wynn spitting out balls like bingo machines. The game reeked of distraction, with Florida rolling up 500 plus yards of offense but only scoring 26 points thanks to the aforementioned turnovers and generalized redzone dithering. Mediocrity, for sure, but it looked like Florida only called seven different plays all night in an attempt not to show whatever it's saving for Alabama next week, the wacky reverse pass to Jemalle Cornelius excepted.
--An award goes to the first announcer who makes a joke about the Mountaineers' John Holmes. Bonus points for mentioning his ability to penetrate, his "length," or his stamina.
--Michigan State's Jehuu Caulcrick has the biggest ass we've ever seen on a running back. Charles Barkley used to joke about Rick Mahorn having the biggest ass in the NBA. Well, Jehuu's the Rick Mahorn of college football. From behind it looked like a donkey lining up in white athletic pants next to Drew Stanton. The only jackass on the sidelines for MSU, though, was John L. Smith. Quoting Solon, our resident gambler: "If games ended at halftime, John L. Smith would be fuckin' Knute Rockne."
Jehuu saves. Unless Drew Stanton fumbles.
--Georgia columnists and talk show radio types just phoned in vacation requests for the week, having put the phrases "Does Georgia have a quarterback controversy" on a tape loop in their place. Attempting to do any other work diverging from this theme will be futile.
--Mitch Mustain's line for the Alabama/Arkansas game: 7/22, 97 yards, 1 td and three ints. Tastes like...vic'tree. Further proof that the gods sought to smile on Houston Nutt's ass yesterday: the thunderous out-of-bounds hit laid on John Parker Wilson (we believe it was the excellently named Sam Olajubutu) that earned nary an eyebrow lift from the referees, who were clearly distracted by Gus Malzahn's elegant metrosexual eyeglasses.
--Joe Paterno's trick colon acted up on him in the middle of the PSU game, most likely a side effect of his mustard gas exposure in the Somme, 1917. Watching a major media outlet explain a case of the shits brought on by bad meat may have been the best entertainment of the day. We say all of this knowing that worms will be feasting on the last dregs of our corpse before JoePa even thinks about writing a will.
Their backdoor cover, by the way, was yesterday's best example of "God smiling on the complusive gambler." Anthony Morelli throws two late picks to cover the spread and ensure that Daddy, instead of being a distant memory divorced in absentia, came home flush with cash, thus preventing years of therapy. PSU fans, you may have called it "a loss;" we call it saving lives.
--Navy loses, thus taking away our favorite "They're in the top 25 because we want them to be, dammit" vote. At least we've still got Rutgers, who embarrassed Hillman and their devoted fan Dr. Dwayne Wayne. (For the purposes of this blog, actual Rutgers opponent Howard and all other HBCUs will be referred to as Hillman.)
--Fox Sports' shots of Kansas State's campus made us sad. Every angle they showed made Kansas State look like some sad Polish technical school.
--Manning-Ham: the meat that tastes like success.
The meat in Michigan's sandwich: Manning-ham.