Ohio State fans, take note: you did not poop in coolers, according to our sources, in celebration of your victory against Texas. (That must be a bowl-game-only celebration.) You did, however, pull out an impressive array of celebratory mayhem, up to and including burning couches, mattresses, and trash bins, which is either a joyous pagan ritual honoring football, or part of a draconian campaign against the homeless ever finding anything useful in your neighborhood. There were around 40 of them, which totally had to look like a Pat Benatar video if you had enough foresight to sachay around the place wearing leather pants and fingerless fishnet gloves.
Georgia Karadimas, 22, definitely earned his fifteen yarder for excessive celebration by inventing a new celebration altogether: running your car into a gameday control command post. Karadimas plowed into the command post and injured three people after the OSU/Texas game, including a fire battalion chief and Ohio State Assistant Vice President for Student Affairs Barbara Rich. See if you ever get your diploma, Mr. Karadimas!
Quoth the local police:
"This happens on big games, so we were prepared for it."
***UPDATE!!!!1111!!! George Karadimas is--oh, wait for it--an Ohio State cheerleader.