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FOOTBALL CHRISTMAS: GIFTS 81-90

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Football Christmas gifts, continued in no particular order:

90. Purchasing paraphernalia only a few hundred thousand people will ever understand. "Punt Bama Punt" bumper stickers. "I Need A Volunteer" t-shirts. Lame single-issue t-shirts for games with slogans like "NEUTER THE WOLFPACK" and "DERIDE THE TIDE" will surely flow from the hands of vendors to fans to Salvation Armies to wholesalers in Africa who then sell them to kids playing soccer in the streets of Luanda. We've started our own worthless collection with a "HONK IF YOU SACKED BRODIE" bumper sticker from last year, but hope one day to own something as glorious as the Joe Paterno drink tray Jay once had.

89. De'Cody Fagg, wide receiver, Florida State. "Fagg catches...Fagg scores!" "Fagg gets nailed!" "Fagg dances into the endzone!" The joy will never fade from this name--NEVER.

88. The traitorous guy selling score posters outside the stadium. Your best friend after a victory, selling instant verification of the ass-stomping your team just bestowed on the opposition; your worst enemy following a loss, a Benedict Arnold sitting atop a thousand replications of how much your team just sucked that he will sell and profit from.

87. Johnsonville Brats steaming hot off the grill. Ah, the smell of it...

86. The Vol Navy. Sure, they're the enemy. But just getting that many people in boats and not killing anyone represents the greatest feat of naval engineering since the evacuation of Dunkirk. And they do it six or seven times a year.


A feat of alcoholic engineering.

85. ATV commercials. For some reason, advertisers think college football fans like them. If we didn't already own three of the goddamn things, we'd think that, too.

84. Play action. One of the most sublime spaces in college football is the fatal space between a bamboozled defender and a streaking wideout who cannot and will not be caught running wild for a touchdown. Cue satisfying click of planning becoming reality in brain.


Thought we were running, right? That's so unfortunate.

83. The Gameday Plan. For under three hundred dollars, you can get all the distraction you'll ever need ever. It's cheaper than crack and twice as good...not that we know that empirically, mind you...

82. Calling someone at a very inappropriate hour to scream school motto into ear repeatedly. Tactic best employed by Cuddles Swindle, 1:30 a.m. E.S.T, October 15th, 2001, where "WAR EAGLE" was repeated six times in a row to an unconscious Orson Swindle over the phone.

81. Cocktails named after marginal players. See The "Cherryshinski" or "The Bear Bryant."