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HARRELL NAMED STARTER AT TEXAS TECH.

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Mike Leach--who in case you don't know is totally into Vikings and not pirates this season--is solidifying his pillaging crew for this season. Last weekend he named Graham Harrell this year's 4,000 yard human sprinkler, ensuring a third round NFL draft pick and a persistent case of tendonitis for the young man. This past weekend, he anointed Shannon Woods as this year's draw fiend at halfback. Despite all the place-setting going on in Lubbock, Leach called his team "mediocre" going into the season, which means we can likely expect point totals wallowing in the high thirties from the Red Raiders for the first half of the 2006 season.

This was all reported to us by Don Williams, the "longtime beat guy" for the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal, the paper that crushed your once-idyllic mountain village and buried it in a cold, heartless snowy tomb. This is Don's picture:

Don looks like:

a. A guy who set off a bomb in 1902 underneath the carriage of Nicholas II in Russia.

b. A Neal Stephenson reader.

c. Neal Stephenson.

d. "Loveless in Lubbock," frequent Savage Love contributor and ass fetishist.