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FAN ART CRITIQUE: SPURRIER AND HIS GIANT COCK

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Fan paintings--the visual hagiography of coaches, players, and those associated with your football program--reaches some seriously pitched heights in college football. None get weirder (or more moving, depending on your perspective) than Daniel Moore's Alabama paintings. In photographic detail they've broken down every single significant moment of Bama football over the past 50 years or so in watercolors and oils. Our favorite is "The Kick II," mostly for the blurry effect he's painted onto the Tennessee player.


Groooovy.

This reader submission, though, comes close to equalling the lunacy of Alabama fan art without the pesky polish and professionalism of Daniel Moore. we have to bust out our art critic speak for a new series: Fan Art Critiques. Behold case one: Spurrier and his giant cock. (Go ahead and click--it's an odious pun, and totally safe for work. HT: John.)

Spurrier looks none too happy to have the mutant bird flapping onto his arm, a bit of verite we have to note. It's like you can see him thinking, "Jesus, that's the biggest damn chicken I've ever seen. It's like a pterodactyl in drag, dammit." For that the artist deserves credit. We'd critique the proportions, though, since the bird appears to weigh at least fifty pounds easy, and would likely bring Spurrier crashing to the ground if it did place it's full weight on Spurrier's outstretched arm.

Perspectives aside, the work isn't bad, overall. The artcriticspeak translation:

"The tones are well-constructed, a kind of realist ode to the OBC, as if Goya had been filtered through the russet tones of a darkening, late summer Carolina thunderstorm sky. What's more remarkable is the metaphor of the painting: Spurrier, the boy genius approaching senescence, sense his potency waning and finds an external referent--quite literally, a replacement cock--to supplant and replace his failing member. The irony is doubled by Spurrier carrying what appears to be a blue dildo, symbolic of his alma mater, in his right hand."

Or maybe it's just Spurrier in pain looking scared to death of an enormous, hormone-fed MegaChicken. You decide.