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VOL-ARITY: ROCKY TOP, TOY GUN VERSE

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When you're mad and driving down Rocky Top
Better pause and count to teeeeeen...
Cause when you pull toy guns on Rocky Top
Cops gonna put you in the pennnn...

UT's players don't get arrested for Grand Guignol crimes. For the most part, they earned the attachment of their coach's name to the Cup for petty, dumb crimes of the "Hulk, Smash" variety. Shy of one piddling convenience store tussle, they've been shy of living up to their lofty rep this year, and frankly, the offseason just hasn't had the same zing with the Vol roster on behavioral lockdown.

Worry no more, though: a real lockdown of nth degree foolishness awaits Vol DB Marsalous Johnson, who in a fit of road rage pointed a toy gun at a motorist on I-40 in Putnam County, TN. Not a bright thing to do in any situation, this got hip-waders deep when the other motorist revealed his day job: law enforcement officer. (HT: Clay, Rick.) Our wine/schadenfreude reviewer chimes in:

Just sit back and roll in that a little bit. Isn't that nice? Luxuriant, like a fine wine, with hints of cherry, leather, and pepper. Light on the palate, clean finish with a little oak and a final adios of berry. It's really a light Spanish Tempranillo of a crime, no?

Our thoughts exactly dude. Aggravated Assault Points of three pending for the Vols, with an optional point bonus for stupidity beyond the call waiting in the wings.