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TAUNT-O-NOMICS: THE PHYSICAL LAWS OF TAUNTING

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When taunting an opposing fanbase, there's a grab bag of general insults to hurl in the general direction of the degenerate, retarded, filthy, and obviously poor, shiftless cretins who paid bail and sold plasma to buy a Greyhound ticket to the game. They're toothless. They live with their mothers. They poop in styrofoam coolers on their way back to their toothless and poor mother's house, where they'll put on their team shirt before going to jack off in the public library to barnyard porn. And they really, really hate Michigan.


Those guys. They're totally different over there. They don't even cry tears, just battery acid that falls from their eyes.

These insults generally rely on calling an opposing fan everything you would most definitely NOT want to be, stricken with the diseases of poverty and--still worse--cursed with bad taste and a crippling addiction to underclass fashion. But when you call a West Virginia fan a toothless, gonorrhea-riddled pigfucker as Steve Slaton runs sixty yard wind sprints through your defense, is it more true than turning to the friendly fan next to you and saying the same? Do Iowa fans really have a higher probability of coming to the game jittered up on meth? Which fans stand the highest probability of actually being crazy?

In our ongoing quest to bring the sweet light of truth and science to college fandom, we combed the public health records database at StateMaster to see which college fans truly earned the oaths and libel tossed in their direction by...well, by you probably.

Test Statement #1: "You toothless rednecks!!!"

Most toothless fanbase: West Virginia. Apply fairly to the Thundering Herd or the Mountaineers, since 42.8% of West Virginia have lost at least one of their natural teeth. Combined with their passion for burning couches, whiskey drankin', and football, West Virginians must fill the offseason with an endless stream of jumbo-sized Sugar Daddies. Do they sub peanuts at the bar for tubs of Milk Duds?


Ya gotta headache, Enoch? Take three a these every six minutes and you'll be fine.

In the SEC, one may safely call everyone else a toothless redneck if you are a Florida fan, since we have the highest percentage of natural tooth retention, with only 18.7% of the population losing natural teeth. (It's the highly flouridated water in Florida, which may weaken you natural essences but leaves your teeth a pearly white that contrasts nicely with your leathery, skin-cancer spotted skin.) Kentucky claims the most toothless crown in the SEC, which serves as a nice metaphor for their football program as a whole, and Tennessee's gumming their heels in second place for the most open rental space in their grill.

Other conferences:

Pac-10 Tooth Champs: Any team in Cal. That smile contrasts nicely with the bronzer!

Pac-10 Gum Lords: Oregon. Blame the mutant cannibals roaming the wastes of eastern Oregon for that one--they never use mouthwash.

Big 10 Dental Suck-Ups: Minnesota. You don't have a toothy Gopher as a mascot for nothing. When you're snowed in, what are you going to do besides floss?


Suck-up rodent. Easy to do with only two teeth.

Big 10 Picket Fencemouths: Indiana. Proximity...

to federally subsidized "Kandy 4 Kidz" school lunch programs in Kentucky probably doesn't help this.

ACC Tooth Champs: Maryland. Terps keep 'em squeaky.

ACC Pudding Lovers: NORTH CAROLINA!!! Don't need to buy floss, take your shirt off, run it through you teeth kinda like a belt sander....

Big 12 Types Eating Corn with Confidence: The teeth at night are big and bright in the heart of Texas. Who knew Lone Star Beer was good for your dental health? We're making this too easy for Peter, since the Big 12's most toothless fanbase comes from...

Big 12's Most Toothless:Ooooooklahoma, where the wind goes whipping through the gums!

Big East's Tooth Champs That would be newly acquired UConn, which should suprise no one.

Big East Least Toothsome: The national champeens, of course: West Virginia, where the smoke might be not be coal fires, but the slow moldering of collective tooth decay rolling over the hills.

Test Insult: "(Insert Team Here) are nothing but trailer trash."

Though trashiness is highly subjective, mobile home-dwelling stats are not.

Most likely to dwell in trailers: South Carolina and Clemson fans, you know you quaked in your boots watching Twister, since you live in trailers at a higher rate than any other geographical fanbase, with 18.8% of Palmetto Staters living on wheels.

Big 12 trailer kings: Oklahoma, whose fans are not just toothless, but are in fact toothless adrenaline freaks.

Big 10 Weather Channel Watchers: Indiana. The Oklahoma of the Midwest.

Pac-10 and looking for a redwood deck add-on: Oregon. Cannot pin this on cannibals roaming eastern wastes, since they prefer caves and lean-tos. A strong showing here, since Oregon has more mobile homes than even Tennessee,which is a most impressive stat. If things ever get too sophisticated for you in the Pac-1o, Oregon State, you could easily be an honorary member of the Big 10.

Big East Parking Lot Pioneers: West Virginia. This could be a pattern...

Test Statement #3: "(Team Fan Name)s are illiterate dumbasses."

We'll use the "Best Educated Index" just to simplify this, a necessary step since we just discovered that we are the combined product of three Y KANT EyE REED? school systems. Again, this will not surprise regular readers of the site, but just to soothe our frayed nerves we've cracked our our favorite childhood snack as comfort food: O'Kelly's Kettle-Fried Lead Paint Chips. Ahh, tastes like Tennessee public schools...


They served 'em in the cafeteria when we were kids. We blame society.

Most Ig'nunt Fanbase: Curveball here--Arizona, who wallows at the bottom of the least educated list behind even Mississippi, the state of constant sorrow. Sun Devils and Wildcat fans alike, we'll send you a bag of O'Kelly's Southwest Chipotle Chips in condolence. Then again, a casual observer could have called this, since Arizona's extremely attractive student body could serve as circumstantial confirmation of this given the inverse relationship between hotness/intelligence in collective student bodies. (See: Notre Dame.)

SEC's "Most Stumped By Candy Land": Mississippi, rollin' at 49th, where the doorknob qualifies as a brainteaser. We cannot confirm the rumor that Ed Orgeron gets his kicks and recruits by getting a cordless mike that broadcasts on fm radios, stands outside of recruits bedrooms, and claims to be Jesus while commanding recruits to walk into walls to test their faith before committing to Ole Miss. And if any of you remembers this as a reference to the episode of the Simpsons "Radio Bart," you should be falling off your chairs at this very instant.


Walk through the wall; I will remove it for you!

ACC's Redbird Reading Group: North Carolina. Move over, I'm watchin' wrasslin'.

Big 12 Folks Who Run Screaming During Solar Eclipses: Oklahoma, who are making things far too easy for Texas fans here.

Pac-10 "What? Tacks aren't a condiment?" types: California. Must be some good learning going on in all those trailers in Oregon.

Big 10 Fans Who Haven't Taken Aspirin since 1982 (damn childproof caps!): Illinois, who now have a coach who hasn't taken aspirin in a long time, either.

Big East "A Frozen Turkey+ Vat of Hot Oil=No Problem" Fans: Do you need to ask at this point?

Test Statement #4: "(Insert Fans' Names Here) are total drunks"

We're unsure whether this is really an insult, since we quote Paul Westerdawg: "I tell everyone I know: don't play quarters with a Florida fan. Ne-ver." Undergraduate education at the University of Florida contains a powerful and unparalleled emphasis on elective amateur chemistry, so we view this as a double-edged sword of a statement of sorts. Nevertheless, we wanted to identify which fans could be properly identified as the drunks of all drunks, and what we found shouldn't surprise anyone who's ever been to Wisconsin.

Currently funneling beer in between IV shots of Jager while driving to the AA meeting: Wisconsin, in every single category, blows the competition away in the departments of alcohol consumption, dependence, frequency, number of children named Glenlivet and Mad Dog...all of them, hands down, belong to the Badgers and their tottering masses of fans. We tip our hats to you at the risk of having you vomit explosively into them. Cheers!


Actual photo from U Dub-Madison. Student working so hard to drink that headband has become necessary.

SEC "Soaking Biscuits in Whiskey At Breakfast To Take the Edge Off" champs: South Carolina, where Cocks view the banana dacquiri as a "sports beverage." SEC states show up in surprisingly low ranks, a trend attributable to two factors:

1. Lying.
2. Not seeing lifelong heavy drinking as "a problem."
3. We don't abuse alcohol in the south. Hell, it abuses us. We happen to love it.

Big 12 Shotmeisters: Colorado. You don't get that leathery from increased exposure to solar radiation alone, though having Gary Barnett as your coach for the past few years didn't help, either.

Pac-10 "We always shake like this. Got any cough syrup?" guys: Arizona, which can't be comfortable due to low humidity. Drink a glass of water for each drink, y'all, even at the risk of draining your scarce water reserves. Judging from your rank, this may be a real possibility.

Big East "Go see if Grandma's got any cooking sherry left, son" types: Connecticut, where trust fund babies are raiding the liquor cabinet like something wicked, you know.

ACC Beer Whores: Boston College fans, take a bow, since Massachusetts is the highest ranking ACC state on the list for alcohol abuse/dependence.