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AGAINST PUNDITRY: RULES OF THE ROAD

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Kyle's had thoughts. Brian's got thoughts. We try to avoid "thinking" around here--like Stephen Colbert, we let our gut think for us. A few basic rules prevail, though, when we start slinging pixels around here at EDSBS. Our editorial policies and general beliefs are as follows.


Prepare for a solid truth-ing, people.

1. No one "gets it." This is a stupid piece of verbiage, unless Stephen Colbert uses it ironically, and should never apply to a sports discussion.

2. Writing in the first person plural is unacceptable and pompous. Unless we do it. Then it is sexy as hell.

3. Give credit where credit is due. Unless Heismanpundit said it, in which case you should steal it without attribution to fuel three-month long blogwar that, to outsiders, confirms the worst suspicions about bloggers being Aspberger's Syndrome types working feverishly from their mothers' basements. Otherwise, acknowledge all sources and link away when possible.

4. Be brief. If you simply can't be brief, make sodomy jokes to make the meter run a little faster. Failing that, call Phil Fulmer fat every fucking chance you get.

5. Read other people's blogs. Most of them are funnier, smarter, and just better than yours.

6. Talk to reporters if they're willing to talk. They've been doing something similar to this a long time and generally know what they're talking about--unless we're talking about Peter Kerasotis. Fuck that guy in the ear.

7. Acknowledge biases. They affect everything and nothing at the same time, and make you appear to be something different than a pundit, who presumably knows what they're talking about. That would not, is not, and will not be us.

8. Do not aspire to be a pundit, or say anything pundit-esque. These would include uncorrected statements of absolute certitude about the future, lack of self-deprecation, and any leanings toward a sense of authority, eminence, or status. Think less Corso; more Herbstreit. You are a fan; act like it or risk losing the enthusiasm forcing you to write in the first place.

9. Work your enthusiasms into your writing. Never hesitate to shoehorn a reference to a show, novel, ethnography, song, ditty, instruction manual, Turkish historical episode, abandoned federal labor policy, or otherwise obscure anecdote into a piece. It will keep you awake and unearth the three other people on the planet who a.) loved The Maxx, b.) played Illuminati, the Card Game, or c.) enjoyed something you did before you started having sex.


Someone else watched this? Roxxorz.

10. Fail. Try things that flop. It's like skiing: if you're not falling, you're not trying hard enough.

11. Ethics? Don't be Matt Hayes. In other words, don't be a dick.

12. Building on #11...don't be afraid to say bad things about people. It helps if they're true.

13. Focus. We may roam, but this is a college football blog. If it doesn't smell vaguely of whiskey and hot dogs, we're not touching it with a ten foot pole.

14. Post frequently. Again, keeps you awake, staves off wolves of boredom, and allows you to stay on top of stories as they happen. (For help on this, see rule #4, "Being brief (unless you're writing a fictional account of your bloodfeud with Beano Cook.) )

15. Answer reader emails. They're your best sources, and cool people to boot.

16. Provide something you cannot get elsewhere. Ex-clu-siv-i-ty. Anyone can bullhorn pablum and make lists. Here, we bullhorn pablum and make lists with profanities and carefully chosen pictures. Fuck yeah!

17. OOOH! SHINY THINGS! People like them, so include pictures, graphs, and whatever else you can think of to liven up the screen.


Livening up the screen in a large way: important!

18. THE GAME. Do not forget it, even when a team/player/coach you hate is clearly displaying an awe-inspiring skill in said game.

19. Be funny if you can. If not, be smart. Lacking both of those, be loud and see what happens.

20. Whatever happens, if you're still having fun, keep going. Even if you're not, give it a week and see what happens.