Steve Spurrier plans to return to the Swamp September 2nd for a celebration honoring the 1996 National Championship team. Shortly after the ceremonies conclude, Spurrier has announced that he will put on the headset he wore for a decade as the Gators’ coach and resume his career as the head man at Florida, despite the fact that the position is currently not empty.

“Yeah, I’ve been doing some work at Carolina. Good work, good people, you know, coachin’ ‘em up and winning a few ball games. But the time’s come for me to return, and I think the Gator Nation’s ready for a little Fun ‘n Gun around here.”

Early? Ursula? Urban? I’ll be takin’ my headset now…[sounds of indescribable violence.]

The announcement, made on Wednesday afternoon at the Columbia Country Club in Columbia, South Carolina, came as the latest surprise in a career highlighted by the unpredictable.

“We’ve got a coach, and we’re quite happy with him,” said Florida AD Jeremy Foley. “Steve Spurrier gave us everything we now have, but Urban Meyer’s got the job. It’s not like he can just walk over and take the headset. He’s not going to do that, right?” Foley asked expectantly.

Spurrier, practicing his backswing on the tee of the eighth hole, sounded as if that was exactly what he intended to do.

“Yeah, just gonna walk over after the ceremony, grab a headset, and you know, call some ballplays. Pitchin. Catchin’. Gator football. We’re gonna score, we’re gonna play some defense. Make it real exciting for the fans who make it all possible. Get back to winning like champions do, right?” When reminded that Urban Meyer currently held the job, Spurrier simply commented that “It’s a business, and sometimes you try real hard and still come up short. He had a good run, but it’s time for us to take back the Swamp.”

Spurrier then hit a slicing tee shot into a patch of yucca bushes, and threw his visor to the ground in disgust.

Urban Meyer, currently the nominal head coach of the Florida Gators, seemed taken aback by the announcement.

“I’m still the head coach here, as far as I know guys. If he wants to shake hands or something, that’s fine. If he wants my headset he’s going to have to nut up and take it off my head. If he wants my Blackberry, (more…)

The case gets Joakim Noah ugly: not only was Fred Rouse allegedly in on the burglary of former teammate Lorenzo Booker, garnering a felony charge along the way, but Rouse allegedly decided to bring along accused rapist and Cincinnati Bengals linebacker A.J. Nicholson, too, earning him felony charges, as well. Lorenzo Booker reiterated his statement that a dedication to academics brought him to Florida State, and that he has no regrets.

The update which will appear in an hour will feature the following additional:

-Not only did Rouse and Nicholson steal the merchandise…they sexually assaulted it.

-With the help of Sebastian Janikowski and a thimbleful of GHB, of course.

-Curiously, the DVD players and PS3s in question have no memory of the incident.

-Tamarick Vanover offered to fence the goods.

-They hid the stolen items in the Doak Campbell endzone, knowing that offensive coordinator Jeff Bowden would never find them there.

The accuser, seen here with face blacked out to conceal her identity, had no comment.

Kyle’s had thoughts. Brian’s got thoughts. We try to avoid “thinking” around here-like Stephen Colbert, we let our gut think for us. A few basic rules prevail, though, when we start slinging pixels around here at EDSBS. Our editorial policies and general beliefs are as follows.

Prepare for a solid truth-ing, people.

1. No one “gets it.” This is a stupid piece of verbiage, unless Stephen Colbert uses it ironically, and should never apply to a sports discussion.

2. Writing in the first person plural is unacceptable and pompous. Unless we do it. Then it is sexy as hell.

3. Give credit where credit is due. Unless Heismanpundit said it, in which case you should steal it without attribution to fuel three-month long blogwar that, to outsiders, confirms the worst suspicions about bloggers being Aspberger’s Syndrome types working feverishly from their mothers’ basements. Otherwise, acknowledge all sources and link away when possible.

4. Be brief. If you simply can’t be brief, make sodomy jokes to make the meter run a little faster. Failing that, call Phil Fulmer fat every fucking chance you get.

5. Read other people’s blogs. Most of them are funnier, smarter, and just better than yours.

6. Talk to reporters if they’re willing to talk. They’ve been doing something similar to this a long time and generally know what they’re talking about-unless we’re talking about Peter Kerasotis. Fuck that guy in the ear.

7. Acknowledge biases. They affect everything and nothing at the same time, and make you appear to be something different than a pundit, who presumably knows what they’re talking about. That would not, is not, and will not be us.

8. Do not aspire to be a pundit, or say anything pundit-esque. These would include uncorrected statements of absolute certitude about the future, lack of self-deprecation, and any leanings toward a sense of authority, eminence, or status. Think less Corso; more Herbstreit. You are a fan; act like it or risk losing the enthusiasm forcing you to write in the first place.

9. Work your enthusiasms into your writing. Never hesitate to shoehorn a reference to a show, novel, ethnography, song, ditty, instruction manual, Turkish historical episode, abandoned federal labor policy, or otherwise obscure anecdote into a piece. It will keep you awake and unearth the three other people on the planet who a.) loved The Maxx, b.) played Illuminati, the Card Game, or c.) enjoyed something you did before you started having sex.

Someone else watched this? Roxxorz.

10. Fail. Try things that flop. It’s like skiing: if you’re not falling, you’re not trying hard enough.

11. Ethics? Don’t be Matt Hayes. In other words, don’t be a dick.
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Yes, they did, all the way back in the legwarmer era of 1987. (The eighties: before crack went corporate and sold out, man.) Rivals catches up with Don McPherson, the qb who led Syracuse to an undefeated 1987 season and finished with a 16-16 tie to Auburn in the Sugar Bowl.

Fred Rouse continues his ongoing “my life as performance art” bit by getting arrested in Leon County for burglary of dwelling while unarmed with no assault or battery, drug possession of a controlled substance without prescription, and grand theft. (HT: The Wiz.) Prior to his career as an urban prospector, Rouse’s on-sidelines, on-camera row with Florida State coaches summed up his brief career as a Seminole, excepting his trashing of Bobby Bowden following the 34-7 collapse to the Gators in the Swamp. (This almost made us like him. Almost.) Rouse then got the boot from Tallahassee, a feat accomplished by few since Randy Moss shot a nun in the face in the middle of campus and laughed about it while shooting cocaine into his eyeball to earn his exit. *

Rouse roused to robbery.

Scout had this to say about pre-felony Rouse:

Rouse could be the top receiver from the state of Florida over the past few seasons. The bottom line is that Fred Rouse is a difference maker and a potential franchise player at the receiver position.

Yep. So much for that .

* Moss did not do this. The victim in fact was former FSU coach Brad Scott, and Moss celebrated by having a teammate shoot yopo into his nose with a blowgun.

Reposting this from late yesterday…if only because it’s a little too perverse to let it go just yet.

As in off the top ropes in tight pants with mustache-that’s how bad Nathan gets us here in spying a curious pair of comments in the thread following Tony Barnhart’s puff piece on a speaking engagement featuring Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno.

Owned, Nacho Libre-style. Curiously, we look a lot like this.

The pair of curious comments came from someone identifying himself as “Chris Rix, Sr.” They read as follows, with no extraneous comments since sometimes life writes its own satire without the need for editing, sprucing, or even superflous setup. Roll:

By Chris Rix, Sr.

May 27, 2025 06:21 AM | Link to this

Watch out, TB!

Back away from the buffet table, Tony, and put down the Kool-Aid! Keep swallowing marshmellows and pretty soon you’ll wind up with a bad case of Lyme Disease. Coaches cutting academic corners? Let me tell you a story.

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