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ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBAW?

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You're looking live at your college football viewing future, and it's going to have more Musburgames on it than you can shake an empty beer can at. The red-blooded, hooter-scoping, down-to-you-Jackaroooing announcer will be in the captain's seat for ABC's Saturday night games this fall, getting stratospheric over three-yard bubble screens and just waiting to drop that cute catchphrase he's been holding onto for three quarters into the broadcast, even if he's got to break out the rhetorical crowbar to do it. He also might be one of the few remaining announcers who drink (genus species vocallissimus intoxicae), a disappearing breed who are quickly being run out of the business by twerpy teetotallers bent on defunning the broadcast by doing the entire broadcast completely sober.

Could whip Jack Joe Buck's ass with a feather duster.

The downside is that if you hate the Wagner of college football broadcasting, you'll spend your whole fall praying for the sword of Siegfried to slay the tank-lunged Musberger. The upside is that the crusty announcer will have a large forum to potentially make amazingly clueless mistakes on air, especially in the "things one does not say when pretty ladies are on screen." ("Ahh, Gary, when a lady like that wears a dress, you wish you were an ant with binoculars, don't you? Right? Downtooyouoojackaroo...")

The color commentator for the game will not be Musberger life/broadcast partner Gary Danielson, but rather ESPN "personality" and suntan fan Bob Davie, whose "footbaw" chops and astute commentary will include references to:

--"Footbaw player"
--"Footbaw speed"
--"Footbaw plays"
--"Footbaw size"
--"Footbaw Footbaw"

All of these will be heavily accented on the second word; in fact, an IT genius out there could just excerpt whole slices of dialogue from Davie broadcasts to create their own "Bob Davie Footbaw Soundboard," complete with trademark Davieisms like "That's just a footbaw player makin' footbaw plays," and "that's good footbaw size helping this footbaw team stay in the game."

Another tidbit in the article on the Saturday lineup: ABC, despite NBC's large contract with Notre Dame, gets to jack three prime Irish games from the Peacock again. This not only is a continuing indication that NBC Sports is run by syphilitic monkeys, but also good news for Irish fans looking forward to watching their games broadcast in something besides "Crapovision: the Video Standard That Made Bulgarian Television Great!"