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LONGTIME NOTRE DAME ANNOUNCER AXED. BLAME ILLUMINATI.

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We think this is a Da Vinci Code tie-in: Tony Roberts, longtime Notre Dame play-by-play man, has been fired by Westwood One for saying Jesus married Mary Magdalene revealing the secrets of the Swiss Guards making fun of Tom Hanks lanky hair...something, we suppose. (HT: Bill.) Both parties have scratched their heads publicly at this point, which has the Dan Brown conspiracy machine/bad prose constructor working over time in our heads. Did Roberts know too much? Is their a pentacle and a hashashin involved? Can Audrey Tautou somehow overcome the strictures of a PG-13 rating and somehow expose her breasts in the course of this story just to keep us interested? Or at least, hoping to be interested?

It's the offseason. We're looking for hope.

In all seriousness, it doesn't seem that Roberts enjoys the austere regard reserved for the Larry Munsons of the broadcasting world--if anything, the Irish Council, internet division, seems just a tad taken aback without too much emotional trauma. Roberts could just as well end up on NBC, potentially replacing Tom "Scary Facelift 'After' Photo" Hammond just in time to screw the lofty-haired veteran out of his pension. (We know how short money is over at NBC sports, what with the antediluvian mikes and complaint letters they write to us on the flip side of old Dick Ebersol memos. That Dick gave great memo, by the way.)

If he can't find work there, just remember: there's always room for one more at Chik-Fil-A.